Monty Python - Constitutional Peasant lyrics

Arthur and his trusty servant Patsy "ride"
Into a field where peasants are
Working they come up behind a cart which
Is being dragged by a hunched-over
Peasant in ragged clothing patsy slows
As they near the cart

Arthur: Old Woman!

The peasant turns around
Revealing that he is in fact a man

Man: Man! Arthur: Man
Sorry what knight lives in
That castle over there?
Man: I'm thirty-seven!
Arthur: (surprised) What?
Man: I'm thirty-seven! I'm not old -
Arthur: Well I can't just call you "man"
Man: Well you could say "Dennis" -
Arthur: I didn't know you were called Dennis!
Man: Well, you didn't bother to find out
Did you?! Arthur: I did say sorry about the
"old woman", but from behind, you looked -
Man: Well I object to youryou automatically
Treat me like an inferior!
Arthur: Well I am king
Man: Oh, king, eh, very nice
And how'd you get that, eh?
(he reaches his destination and stops
Dropping the cart)
By exploiting the workers! By hangin'
On to outdated imperialist dogma
Which perpetuates the economic and social
Differences in our society
If there's ever going to be any progress, -
Woman: Dennis! There's some lovely
Filth down 'ere!
(noticing Arthur) Oh! How'd ya do?
Arthur: How do you do, good lady i am Arthur
King of the Britons whose castle is that?
Woman: King of the who?
Arthur: King of the Britons
Woman: Who are the Britons?
Arthur: Well we all are! We are all
Britons! And I am your king
Woman: I didn't know we 'ad a king!
I thought we were autonomous collective
Man: (mad) You're fooling yourself! We're living in a dictatorship! A
Self-perpetuating autocracy in which the
Working classes - woman: There you go
Bringing class into it again
Man: That's what it's all about!
If only people would -
Arthur: Please, please, good people
I am in haste! WHO lives in that castle?
Woman: No one lives there
Arthur: Then who is your lord?
Woman: We don't have a lord!
Arthur: (surprised) What?
Man: I told you! We're an
Anarcho-syndicalist commune! We're taking
Turns to act as a
Sort of executive-officer-for-the-week -
Arthur: (uninterested) Yes
Man: But all the decisions of that officer
Have to be ratified at a
Special bi-weekly meeting -
Arthur: (perturbed) Yes I see!
Man: By a simple majority
In the case of purely internal affairs -
Arthur: (mad) Be quiet!
Man: But by a two-thirds majority
In the case of more major -
Arthur: (very angry) BE QUIET! I order you to be quiet!
Woman: "Order", eh, who does 'e think 'e is?
Arthur: I am your king!
Woman: Well I didn't vote for you!
Arthur: You don't vote for kings!
Woman: Well how'd you become king then?
(holy music up)
Arthur: The Lady of the Lake - her
Arm clad in the purest shimmering samite
Held aloft Excalibur from the
Bosom of the water, signifying by
Divine providence that I, Arthur
Was to carry Excalibur tHAT is why
I am your king!
Man: (laughingly) Listen: Strange women lying in ponds distributing swords
Is no basis for a system
Of government! Supreme executive power
Derives from a mandate from the masses
Not from some farcical aquatic ceremony!
Arthur: (yelling) BE QUIET!
Man: You can't expect to wield supreme
Executive power just 'cause some
Watery tart threw a sword at you!
Arthur: (coming forward and grabbing the man) Shut UP!
Man: I mean, if I went 'round
Saying I was an emperor, just because some
Moistened bint had lobbed a scimitar at me
They'd put me away!
Arthur: (throwing the man around) Shut up, will you, SHUT UP!
Man: Aha! Now we see the
Violence inherent in the system!
Arthur: SHUT UP!
Man: (yelling to all the other workers) Come and see the violence inherent
In the system! HELP, HELP
I'm being repressed!
Arthur: (letting go and walking away) Bloody PEASANT!
Man: Oh, what a giveaway! Did you
Hear that, did you hear that, eh? That's
What I'm all about! Did you see
Him repressing me? You saw it, didn't you?!