Original Broadway Cast of Dirty Rotten Scoundrels, Sherie Rene Scott, John Lithgow, Norbert Leo Butz - Ruffhousin' Mit Shuffhausen lyrics

I understand you are completely numb
From the waist down, is that correct?

Yes, sir

No feeling whatsoever?

Mmhmm that's right

I see so

This little piggy says-

Nothing

And this little piggy, the same?

Uh, huh

I suppose that it’s futile
To wiggle or doodle or jiggle this piggle?
Well, ain't that a shame

And this one?

Like wood

And this one?

(Freddy shakes his head)

Zer gut

So, that's the entire contingent
We’ll have to try something
A little more stringent

(He pulls a pussy willow branch from
A vase and whips it through the air)

Stringent?

Trust me, Fraulein, I am a doctor

When I was young and I was cute
And I was in the Institute
They banged it in us like a drum
The Corpus Hippocraticum

So just before you graduate
You raise your hand and stand up straight
And everybody has to quoth
That zippy Hippy-cratic Oath

You swear to God to heal the sick
But do no damage - that's the trick
Even if you have to lop a leg
Or God forbid, an arm

If it's for the best, go crack a chest
Or slice 'em open like a wurst but first:
Do no harm

(He wacks Freddy on the legs
With the pussy willow)

Yodelayeeoo!

Nothing?

Nope

Hm

A medical professional
Before he starts a session'll
Be sure to pause and clear his head
And think on what Old Hippo said-

A real mensch with lots of heart
Bestowed on us this noble art
And let me tell you that ain't easy
In three hundred and eighty BC

Defend the weak and mend the ill
Prescribe a pill then send a bill
For many years the system has
Been working like a charm
But, you must recollect with great respect
Hippocrates and what he versed: First

Do no-

(WHACK)

YOWWW-DELAYEEOO

That's lovely my boy

But Doctor, this seems so cruel

On the contrary, Fraulein
Sergeant Benson would be the
Happiest man on earth
If he could feel any pain ja?

You bet!

Let's all yodel!

(They do)

I said yodel!

(WHACK)

The Corpus Hippocraticum
Like bats out of the attic come
Like popes out of the Vati-come

Like nylon sheets with static come

Like donkeys from the paddock come

Or fish sticks from the haddock come

Or you psychosomatic come to me

(He suddenly turns and exit's freddy
Breathes a sigh of relief)

Well, I guess that’s that

(Lawrence runs back in brandishing
The pussy willow and
Gives him the biggest WHACK
Yet freddy whimpers)

I look at him, the sorry face
I know I have to take this case
It’s who I am, it's what I do
If you were me, you’d have to too

If I were him or I were you
I'd look at me and like the view
For here I am and here we go
Hippocrates would wish it so

This man intrigues me
I will take Sergeant Benson on as my patient

Doctor, look! He's so happy
He's crying! Do you
Really think you can have him walking again?

Walking? I’ll have him running!
Jumping! Shouting!
Shrieking! Or my name isn't

(Punctuating each word with a
Whack on Freddy's legs)

Dr! Emil! Shuffhausen!

The third!