The Lonely Island - I Think I Might Have Killed The President lyrics

It all started last week when
I went on a date
She was beautiful, blonde hair
I picked her up at 8
I decided to take her to a magic show
My mom said I shouldn't
But what does she know?
"A lobster for my lady friend
Cooked extra nice
And some amaretto afterward would
Be just right thank you, garcon
This is gonna be magnificent
Oh, the lights went down
Time for the entertainment"
The magician took the stage and
Sawed a lady in half
I could see her legs, so fake, made me laugh!
Then they asked for a
Volunteer from the audience
I hid my face - no way, leave me out of it!
Next thing I know
My girl is volunteering for me
She tells me she thinks "Men
On stage are very sexy!"
So I play along, and go up on stage
Hoping the stunt will get me you know!

So now they want to hypnotize me
They'll ring a bell
And I'll cluck like a turkey
I say "yeah right! Do your best!
This whole thing's faker than
Pam Anderson's chest!"
Big laugh from the audience
They loved that joke
Then appeared the hypnotist in
A cloud of smoke "At the count of three and
The sound of a bell
You'll close your eyes and be under my spell"
"Ready, here we go, one, two, three, ding!"
I opened my eyes and nothing!
But wherever I looked
The crowd wouldn't stop laughing
What had I done to elicit this reaction?
Now hold on, y'all
This is the beginning of our story
And I promise later on, it's gonna get gory
So parents, grab your kids
And tuck them off into bed
Because I think I might
Have killed the President!

One week later, I haven't seen the girl since
And I get to school and
We're having a field trip
"Class participation is a must"
The sign said "Washington, DC or bust"
First thing on the agenda
The reflecting pool and it made me remember
That America's pretty cool
Then off to the White House
For a special tour
Our guide was very knowledgeable
In American folklore
She told us about Lincoln
And George Washington
And even let us go into the
Room they smoke pipes in
"Time to go downstairs!" she
Called the elevator up it arrived
I heard a DING! and felt my eyes shut
I awoke on the floor
The walls felt all curvy
I was soaking wet, and my stomach topsy turvy
I was covered in blood
Holding a knife - I dropped it
I looked around, I was in the Oval Office!

What had I done? I couldn't remember a thing!
But then some memories came back to me
I remember finding the president and
Stabbing him in the neck
Then cutting him into little pieces and
Stuffing him in his desk
Oh me! Oh my! I didn't mean to!
It must have been that hypnotist
And his evil voodoo!
Now some things are bad
Like not paying your rent
But, I think I might
Have killed the president!

Well, it's been a year now
Since that fatal event
I framed a hobo to take the cops off my scent
And every time I hear a bell
I stab someone in the face
But besides that I'd say that
Everything is going great!
Please learn from my story, don't be a fool
And never let a communist hypnotize you
Or you might kill the president! Out!