The Stupendium - Can’t Teach This lyrics

A notice to all Musicality students
Professor Stupendium’s lecture on
Awkward white middle-class
Hip-hop and it's use as
A promotional tool will be starting
In the lecture hall shortly thank you!

Welcome, students,  to Two Point U!
This campus we’ve established to point you
Down the path of academia and viewpoints new
And there’s a chance that you will
Leave here as employed too
We’re certain that the circumstance could
Use a little pomp
With learning you can turn your hand
Just choose thе skill you want
The young mind needs a-moulding
And we do it with aplomb
Though no one еver specified just
What to mould it from
Every course, of course


Has been meticulously planned
Though standard Maths and Science
Is particularly bland
So, pick from our curriculum of kitchens
Crypts and bands
You won’t find a diploma simply
Digging in the sand!

What's that oh they will?
Ah, Archaeology, right, yes
We do teach Archaeology
In that case, you might want to
Start digging for that diploma now
Before it starts to compost

Would the teacher’s pet please report to
The nurse for microchipping and deworming
Thank you!

We’re best in class for espionage
The course is sure to thrill you
But if I told you where it is
Of course I’d have to kill you
Embark upon the darker arts
If morbidness fulfils you
Our dungeon’s rather wonderous with
All authentic mildew
There's jousting in the grounds
See them gleaming in their chivalry
There's pizza in the kitchen
Inconvenient for delivery
Or come improve your subterfuge and
Scheming for the ministry
And rest assured our Wizard School
Is big on inclusivity

Ah, young Mr toasterpastry
Come in i’m afraid I’ve called you
To my office to talk
About how you’ve been conducting yourself
In the Music Lab
You see, you’re supposed to use a baton


Here at Two Point Campus where our
Mind’s put to the test
Our scores in class still can’t
Surpass our piling student debts

Would a Mr danger, on the
Deep Undercover Spy course
Please be aware that your mother is at
The office with your packed lunch
This tannoy will now self-destruct

Greer? Here pleasant? Present
Glendenning? Attending samson? Absent
Hardy? Tardy tate? Late
Glover? Undercover drake? Baked
Connors? Slightly fossilized
Sorry, I apologize ustinov? Goofing off
And Robinson’s robotified
Have we got a Gideon?
Just pondering oblivion
Hurst? I’m just a little cursed
But William’s amphibian
Hamman and Slattery? Ran out of battery
Cormack? On horseback and galloping gallantly
Pickering? Pickling coombes? Entombed
Hirshall? He’s virtually trapped in normality
Higgins? Digging emily? Napping
Winkler? Tinkering gregory? Rapping
Owens and Cleese? Throwing some cheese
Duncan flunked and that only leaves


Llewellin Mayhew Matt O’Grady Baudelaire
Phipping Tim Matthau Witherspoon?

He fell in a huge of vat of gravy but
They’re fishing him back out with a spoon

…The fourth and fork!

…I’m just going to put absent

Here at Two Point Campus
We’ve got straight A’s through the roof
Though we’re acutely aware that our
Degrees are quite obtuse

Students are reminded that though
We are contractually obligated
To encourage you to follow your dreams
That does not excuse falling
Asleep in lectures thank you!

We’re here to paint the future and
Now you can be the canvas
In that you’ll be hung out to dry
As soon as fees are handed
Zoology? Neurology? We muddled
Up the pamphlets
We tried to hire Pavlov’s Dog
But built a Hippo-Campus
We’ve scientific instruments
So come and get involved
Though one horrific incident
Chemistry club dissolved
The canteen’s packed with ten foot
Stacks of huge profiteroles
And a little dairy derring do and
You could win the gold
Other faculties can grapple with
The boring and uncomical
Our methods are methodic and
We’ve taught the tautological
The courses may be dangerous
And harm is very possible
You’re fortunate we’re neighbours with just
Far too many hospitals

Good afternoon class i’m glad
To see you’re all here to hand in
Your invisibility assignments!

…Or I’m in the wrong room

Yeah, this is camouflage class mate

Here at Two Point Campus where
The future’s being formed
But you’ve seen what we teach here so
Don’t say that you weren’t warned

Graduating students are encouraged to
Have the time of
Their lives because it’s all
Downhill from here thank you!