The Stupendium - Chairman of the Board lyrics

Roll up and put down your controller
Forget the COD
The table top is what the call's of
So grab some paper and start
Taking down the scores
But don't forget you're up against
The chairman of the board

Right, then! Games night
Everyone! What's up first? I know
What my money's on

If you're into causing a family schism
Consider some table-top capitalism
A battle of balances, man, I'm so talented
Mopping up profit's with Randian callousness
Isn't much use for financial analysis
Banks are all froze in
The throes of paralysis
Golly, it's very nice crushing the parasites
Man, I'm in paradise, give me a pair of dice

I hold 'em, I blow 'em, I roll them
I'm strolling my token right over the Go
And I'm folding the dough
Then I'm throwing down homes
On my portfolio my monopoly grows

You won't topple me, no
I'm a polished demolisher
Dropping hotels right on top of my foes
If you're stopping your boat on my property
Know that it's probably honestly gonna be
More than the cost of the
Whole of the global economy
So you should just stop and just offer me
All of your keys and your dog

Well, you could call it a robbery
You can't afford an apology
All your accountants would
Flounder and wobble the top of my profit's
Would boggle a monarchy
Stopping me, ha, take me to court
All that I'm making, I'm taking abroad
It's tucked under the board

So send me to jail and then
Pay off my bail with your rent
Have you thought about having
Your assets absorbed?
Extorting the poor whilst cutting the
Cord at community beauty awards

You pitifully bid in futility
I've got the roads and
The rails and utilities
So bring the waterworks
Your tears will oil the gears of my infamy
Kid in the living room sat on the floor
Imagining I'm on the cover of Forbes
I'm turning this city upside down
Which really amounts to you
Flipping the board

Now I know nobody likes a
Loot box economy but I
Think we can all agree on
A community chest hm?

Roll up and put down your controller
Forget the Steam sale, I'mma steam roll ya'
Those twelve-year-olds on Xbox Gold may
Bolster up your scores but now, my friend
You're up against a chairman of the board

Think you can beat me? Winning
Is my middle name!
Which does not make it a proper noun


Have you heard the word upon the street?
That nerds prefer our words discreetly
Neatly placed upon a sheet when we compete
Words With Friends is for the weak
A cheap pretender to the peak
Of wordy splendour
Classic Scrabble can unleash except, you see

It never leaves me satisfied
When standard boards are utilised
I play my scrabble super-sized
It makes the points quadruple-ise

There's ancient mosaics not half as prosaic
As when I am placing my
Tiles in amazing displays
Every play a foray in
Intrinsic ballistic linguistic forte
I'm a dictionary kicking my score into space
Or at least to the corners a
Double word score is for paupers
I'm playing for triple or more
Stacking multiple multiples up on the board
In a single retort to
Your pitiful awful attempts, it's a bore

No, the pen and the
Sword couldn't ever compare
To the weapons I've brought to the fore
Seven letters is all I need
To do more for literature
Than Dickens or Shakespeare could
Ever have brought
My lexicon's better than anything
Ever attempted before
With clever and eloquent spelling galore

Whatever the letters you're giving me
Fiddly glyphs? I administer liberally
I play a Q or a Z like a symphony
Giving you quixotry, quartzy or syzygy

Wizardry!

Slinging these nouns and verbs
Sticks and stones might be preferred
So to sum up the rhymes you've heard?
Face it, you couldn't find the words

Aha! Victory is mine! Which
Uses all seven tiles
And gets me a fifty point bonus! Hehe!

Roll up and put down your controller
And if you must bring Mountain Dew
Be sure to use a coaster
Your gamer tag may jangle
With achievements and awards
But now, my friend
You're up against the chairman of the board

I thank you all for coming this evening
I hear the traffic was murder

I suppose you're wondering why I've
Gathered you all here tonight
A murder has occurred and I'll be
First to shed some light (oh my)
Now Mister Black is on the ground
A victim of a crime most foul
I put to you that here and now
Within this crumbling country house
Amongst this strange and sundry crowd
A murderer is on the prowl

Leave it to me to tell you how
The heinous deed was carried out
This melting pot has overboiled
Watch out, you'll get your loafers soiled
I've a dastard foe to foil
And I'm not 'alf a Conan-Doyle

I'll tackle the clues through
This gaggle of rooms
There's no slacking to do when
I'm tracking the truth
I'm an accurate sleuth with immaculate proof
I investigate better than Agatha could
Did the blaggard attack with
A candle or noose?
Or was it the spanner he actually used?
This manor is packed with all manner of tools
(Although Hasbro have had
The hatchet removed)
For enacting a plan of dispatching a fool
The plan that was hatched was
Both heartless and cruel
In the garden, the pantry, the parlour
The pool (The rooms will depend on the
Board that you use)

Hold it, I've solved it
I know for certain that the culprit
Used the colonel's old revolver
Stolen from the drawer that holds it
In the kitchen, fingers itching
On the trigger, chamber loaded
And I say I want it noted
Reverend Green's the one who pulled it

But I've got the gun

And I've got that scene

Which instantly vindicates poor Mister Green
But with all that is left on
The board it would seem
To infer that the murderer must have been me!

Oh dear it appears I've made a grave mistake

Roll up and put down your controller
Forget Hyrule, I'm a high roller
You may be a master with a blaster or a sword
But now, my friend
You're up against the chairman of the board

I tell you if I had a pound for every game of
Monopoly I've won I could buy
Well, another game of Monopoly, probably

I see you're drawing a blank which you can
Use in place of any other letter!

We should really stop now i think
We've done this joke to death