The Stupendium - Rogue’s Gallery lyrics

I may not look it but I
Went to an art school, y'know
And I stole like
 eight crates of acrylic before I
Tripped the alarm
Anywho,  what can I do for ya, pal?

You look like a fine
Upstanding island representative
The kind to understand an enterprise
When they're presented with
Access to a wonderland of
Fine authentic decoratives
Except that there’s just a chance
You might detect they’re edited
It’s nothing underhanded, why
It’s simple etiquette
Someone’s gotta lose or else a
Price is not competitive
I may be discredited but you
Need some art exhibit's
And I’m the only guy upon this
Island who is selling it
Got a little bit of post-impressionism
Neoclassical, surrealism, art nouveau, oh
But if you hit me with a host of questions
Quizzing, be all asking if it's real? Well
It's hard to know
But it probably is, would I lie to you?
After all we're cousins, I've decided
Ooh, you want a statue? I got a
Whole load in this old boat
If they don't go then the
Hull might smash through

Satisfaction guaranteed, no retractions
No receipts refund laws may stand on land
But not transactions planned at sea
So if you’ve a gallery
Lacking in a masterpiece
Head down to the beach
I wouldn’t cheat ya, pal, we’re family

You want the Venus De Milo
For Nook Miles? Oh please
Think a Donatello's gonna fall out
Of an oak tree?
Think another barge is gonna barge in
Back end of your garden
With a better bargain? There won’t be
Got a sweet deal on a real Michelangelo
Go to a guy in a van for my Van Goghs
Can't be picky when you're
Picking a Picasso
Doesn't even matter when you're painting
Where your hand goes screw your turnips
I can turn a profit taking turns
At taking turners and turning them to takings
Earning paper from discerning patrons
No returns or trade-ins
All these bargains I got for yous
Here's a Lautrec that I'd hate Toulouse
Buy it, you ain’t got all day to peruse
Try it and I’ll make you pay per the view
You haven't got the money for
A Manet or Matisse
But I probably got a Monet
You can have it on the cheap
I got Millet by the million
It’s more than I can keep
So you really better buy 'em or
I’ll toss 'em in the deep
You bought your Hieronymus Bosch outright?
Gosh, how nice, want advice?
You coulda bought a lotta Botticellis
From the fella at the jetty
For a knock down price
Kandinsky? Can do-ski!
Got a line on a fine one back in New Leaf
Got a whole back room of own-brand Rembrandts
Here's a Vermeer! Don’t look
At the jewellery
All the greatest artists ever known
Sailing round your Archipelago
Who needs authentication when
There’s a saving?
Owl’s on his way? Then I’d better go

Hoo, what? Upon close examination
Of this painting
I have grave news to share with you
This work of art is a fake!
What kind of wretched scoundrel would commit
Such fraudulent forgery to canvas?
Oh, that hurts

Satisfaction guaranteed, no retractions
No receipts refund laws may stand on land
But not transactions planned at sea
So if you’ve a gallery
Lacking in a masterpiece
Head down to the beach
I wouldn’t cheat ya, pal, we’re family

Can’t afford all the money I charge?
Forgery? Nah, it’s a loving homage
Felon I’m not, I’m a renaissance fox
Honestly only a little at large
So don’t be frugal, buy that Bruegel
I got Degas for days
Cézanne's in season, sure
That Seurat would look great at your place
'Cause I got a lotta costs to offset
Spent a lotta dollar on that Bob Ross box set
So any members of the management
Might have a happy little
Accident if they object
To my entrepreneurial oeuvre
Largely consisting of raiding the Louvre
Taking the paintings and tracing the loot
Then passing the savings directly to you
Often my copies are just so convincing
I'll quite accidentally sell the original
Though letting residents purchase
The evidence saves me from shredding ‘em
Plus they’re the criminal
Say I’m a fake and it hurts
Say I’m just after a way to your purse
Say that to my face? You’ll
Save on the hearse
You don’t need a wake for a Damien Hirst
So if your podunk little
Home wants cultural acclaim
There’s just one choice of vendor, friend
And Crazy Redd’s the name
But if you are dissatisfied and
Someone gets the blame
You can canvas all my customers
They’ll tell ya I was framed

Tom Nook here with an island announcement
An unscrupulous character has been
Seen lingering at
The back of the island, do not talk to him
Alright? Hey, that's my cue to go but, uh
That eight-foot stone head you ordered?
Yeah, I'll mail it to ya
How big's your mailbox?