The Stupendium - What a Fowl Day lyrics

Here we see the common domestic
Goose anser cygnoides domesticus
Found across the British countryside
It is known for
It's distinctive call, proud
Majestic stature, and for being an all-round
Inconsiderate little git

Who's this? The true prince of nuisance
Cruise in, whoops
You're going to need a new fence
Abusing the humans for my amusement
Since I hatched and every afternoon since
You can look for clues but you
Won't see any boot prints
Doesn't take a sleuth to
Deduce just who's been
Brewing up a feud with a
Borough full of rubes
Yes, I'm coming home to roost
And they're gonna need some tutoring


You can try to shoo me
But I'm a tad imprudent
This community is soon to see
Some new goosey improvements
All your property? Yes, it belongs to me
Oh, I see you disagree? Whoops, it's ruined!
I waddle on to the allotments
Squat in the shallots
Then make off with half the
Plot while you're not watching
Popped in for another gobble of your stocks
Then I'm off to see the shops
And you wonder where your crops went
Run off with your onions
Pluck a couple pumpkins
I don't even eat 'em
I just steal 'em and I dump them
Nothing's more fun than befuddling a bumpkin
Huddled in the shrubbery while
Smuggling your luncheon
Didn't knock, I just had to grab a quick fix
Leave it unlocked
I'll be back for cabbage picnic
Pick & mix, picking on a scared kid
Mixing up his glasses on his arse
While I scarper with his airfix


What a foul day
Wasted again chasin' waterfowl away
We've had it up to 'ere and
We're all about to break
Livin' in fear of the terror from the lake
What a fowl day
Wasted again chasin' waterfowl away
We'd stuff him full of sage in
The oven on a tray
But the RSPCA say the bugger has to stay
So we suffer through the fate
Of another fowl day

Hear the honkety-honk as I
Topple over buckets
And they drop and they bonk
On the noggins of plonkers
Who thought they could conquer me
Want an apology?
Tough luck, I'm off with your crockery!
I do beg your pardon
I think you're in my garden
I've decided that it is
So please don't be disheartened
It's survival of the fittest
And it hearkens back to Darwin
I thought that we were British? Don't
You have a lip to harden?

He stole the keys to the gate
Put me rake in the lake
Made me crush my thumb
And upped and ran away! He wrecked my roses!
And broke my vase! Locked me in the garage
Ravaging the marketplace!
Banned from the pub for
Messin' with the punters!
Made off with me harmonica
And left me on me bum! The big
Scary bird scared me off with a quack!
Stole my plane
Made me pay the shop lady for it back!


I care not for fences, I'm on the offensive
A feathery devil
Who revels in senseless attempts
At upending your endlessly friendly pretenses
Your tempers expended, oops
Was that expensive? None of it's hateful
You ought to be grateful!
A face-off with nature is basically
Staple of countryside living
That's just what I'm
Bringing! Occasional chaos
(but awfully tasteful)

What a foul day
Wasted again chasin' waterfowl away
We've had it up to 'ere and
We're all about to break
Livin' in fear of the terror from the lake
What a fowl day
Wasted again chasin' waterfowl away
We'd stuff him full of sage in
The oven on a tray
But the RSPCA say the bugger has to stay
So we suffer through the fate
Of another fowl day

I'm sticking my neck out
And setting the borders
A little respect for the new pecking order
You call me a hoarder! A menace! A thief!
Have you thought that I'm all
That you've got for relief?
From the boredom ensured by a rural existence
Of thickets and cricket
And picnic subsistence
To call me sadistic is far too simplistic
I'm twisted, but only to give you assistance
They've all got it in for me
Living in infamy! Mischief's my gift at the
Cost of your dignity
Every day's a fight with the
Stick that I'm given
I say it's only right that
You give me that ribbon