Schäffer the Darklord - Intervention lyrics

STD: Oh hey guys

FRONT: Hi, Schaffer

STD: What are you all doing here?

FRONT: I think you better sit down

STD: Are you kidding me?

JESSE D: No, this is dead serious

STD: Is this seriously an intervention?

FRONT: This is the seriousest intervention

STD: What the hell, you guys?

FRONT: Well
You should ask yourself "What the Hell?"

STD: You know
I really don't need this right now

JESSE D: I think you do
I think you need to hear it

STD: Alright, you went to all this trouble

JESSE D: Thank you

STD: Say what ya got to say

FRONT: Enjoy

DR aWK: Hey Schaffer, it's been too long
What '09 when you went and
Dropped that Bender song?

STD: So?

DR aWK: Come on, get your shit together
I hear you're smoking the skooma

STD: No

DR aWK: This incessant impression's got me
Wishing it was a tumor

STD: Nice

DR aWK: I don't mean it
Your habit's just starting to eat me
With all that cocaine
You'd think you'd finish an EP

STD: Come on

DR aWK: You suck now, put the alcohol down
We're only doing this cuz we want you around

STD: Whatever

WARROCK: Hey, Schaffer it's safe here
But it's safer in psychotherapy
There where the drugs and women
Can't get to you
Like it's very concerning
I've only ever see you either drunk or high
Think fans only want to
See that Darklord guy?

STD: I do

WARROCK: But I think you took this
Villain stuff a little far
With the drugs and alcohol
Only so long before you fall
Cuz I care more for Mark
STD is just a character
I'm only telling you because I care for ya
Come on, man

STD: I don't wanna hear it
I don't wanna hear it
I just wanna disappear
Now listen here this isn't
Any of your business
I don't have a problem
You're the ones with problems

Why're you talking rock-bottom? Look
I got it, Everything is awesome
Why don't you go home, just leave me alone
I mean, Come on we could've handled all
Of this on the phone

I don't need you or your
Pity or your condescension
Wish you'd go away and take your
Silly little intervention with ya

JESSE D: Hey Schaffer, I've missed you
No one knows us better than each other
Since the days that we
Were growing up together
Like brothers in Nova Scotia

STD: Huh?

JESSE D: I blame myself for losing touch
You tell yourself
When someone is hurting that you
Can only do so much
But you've suffered enough

STD: True

JESSE D: It's scarcely feels fair
Growing up Jewish

STD: What?

JESSE D: Queer

STD: No!

JESSE D: Black

STD: No!

JESSE D: and in a wheelchair

STD: The Hell?!

JESSE D: Damn it, Max

STD: It's Mark!

JESSE D: I can't do this
I want out you're not the man I knew

STD: What the hell, Jesse?

JESSE D: I'm literally in the wrong house
I'm sorry

FRONT: Schaffer
Ain't your life a shitty mess?

STD: No

FRONT: Does a deep unhappiness
Permeate it all?

STD: No

FRONT: Is this even debatable?

STD: Yes

FRONT: Do you intend to take a fall or what?
We'd like some answers, but
Can't seem to pry your dick out
Of assorted strippers and burlesque dancers

STD: Dude!

FRONT: Long enough to get your attention
Which is ridiculous since you snort
ADD drugs all day

STD: Come on!

FRONT: Plus injections of that hot
Spoon-cooked "takin' it easy"
Finish your record already
Mortality's only increasing

STD: I don't wanna hear it
I don't wanna hear it
I just wanna disappear
Now listen here this isn't
Any of your business
I don't have a problem
You're the one's with problems

Why're you talking rock-bottom? Look
I got it, Everything is awesome
Why don't you go home? Just leave me alone
I mean, Come on we could've handled
This on the phone

I don't need you or your
Pity or your condescension
Wish you'd go away and take your
Silly little intervention with ya

LUGO: Hey Schaffer
It's your pal Lugo and you know

STD: Stop! Lugo, what are you doing?

LUGO: I'mintervening!

STD: Yeah, but you're not a rapper

LUGO: Well, I mean that may be
But that doesn't change the fact that you
DESPERATELY need to get your shit together

STD: Duly noted

YTC: Hey Schaffer
You know that I'd be the last to correct
A fellow scientist at work but
I can see you're depressed
You got that Darklord look in
Your eyes, of sunken sockets
You got pockets full of every substance
You've been up for two dozen days

STD: Not true

YTC: Screaming like Billy Mays
Pulling insider trades
The city that never sleeps needs
A break from your antics
So here's some Fiji and a Chantix
Enough of that sycophantic shit, I'm
Tired of enabling you, Cuz I care

COOLZEY: Hey Mark

STD: Z?

COOLZEY: Lately when I come through
You've been way dark
It seems your stage persona may
Be smothering your bright spark
Since I've known you
You've been such a great friend to me
But last time I visited you in
NYC I sensed the entropy
Plus your hedonistic tendencies are
Double O-C and your
OCD has become amplified from popping Addies
Look, me and the guys just think you
Need to take a deep breath i love you
But I'm worried do you think
That you can cheat death?

(Death, death, death, death, death
You suck now, Only so long before you
Fall, you're not the man I
Knew, finish your record already
You desperately need
To get your shit together, I'm tired
Of enabling you, you suck now
Only so long before you fall, you're
Not the man I knew
Finish your record already)

STD: ENOUGH! I get it, alright?
I heard what you had to say
And you know what? You're right
I am a mess i have fallen apart
I can not stress how much
I needed this jump start
I never could admit it
I never wanted to face it
But I see I've got to quit this shit
I've gotta make some changes
Through your speeches
I have seen that I am reaching my worst yet
So today, it's time I take the first step

I know I need to hear it
Know I need to hear it
Know I need to quit this shit
My grip is slipping
Know it's killing off my spirit

Yeah, I've got a problem
I've a bunch of problems
I've been slowly growing rotten, in denial
All is far from awesome
Tonight I've been shown, I'm not so alone
And I know I will survive
When I face the unknown
I know that I was so defensive
Though you had the best intentions
I will get some help, I love you
Thank you for this intervention