Schäffer the Darklord - The Rhyme of Lord Nordak lyrics

Once upon a time before dinosaurs
Comes a true story
The part of the planet that's
Now known as Norway a peace-loving giant
Well known in the region
They called him Lord Nordak
The twelve foot Norwegian

Now Lord Nordak had been
A warlord back before
But the war had made Nordak a warrior no more
His strength was victorious in
Saving the land and a prayer he became in
The heart of each man

Now Nordak knew that he had
Been in their plans
But he leading people could not understand
So when came the hour
He turned down the power
Marched out to the mountains to
Lounge and grow flowers
Each morning Lord Nordak would
Rise and go foraging
Out in the forest, the place of his origin
A million millenia before dinosaurs
It looked kind of like Oregon
But more enormous and
This is where he grew the food that he could
And smoked magical bushes
From hollowed redwoods
He bathed in the lakes and
Slept out under stars kept dragons as pets
His skipped rocks sent to Mars

Lord Nordak lived his life
In nothing but peace but life down in the
Valley was different indeed
The once unified people had begun bickering
Flame on the candle of
Peace had been flickering

And again they all split off
Into two separate factions
And used their difference to
Send soldiers to action
So war's in the land down below once again
And death befell these children
Women and men

And the elders from when the
People had been one
Declared that something urgent had to be done
"Send for Lord Nordak
He brought peace before
With his help, we elders shall win the war"

So they gathered their sons and
Their daughters and armed them
And sent them find Nordak
Off they all sought him
They climbed up the mountain
And swam crossed lakes
And slaughtered his eight legged
Oxen for steaks

It took them ten days
So they took some wrong turns
But they found Nordak sleeping in
Fields full of ferns
The offspring of elders awoke
Him and spoke and they told him of how the
Great peace had been broken

And implored that he join them
To restore the order they'd be victorious
Nordak did snort at this
Plucked a bush from the hill
Pipe he did smoke
Extinguished it quickly, exhaled and he spoke
"If you keep fighting then no one will win
If I help you succeed
It will just start again
The victors taste greed and then
Fight to get more!
Nordak wants nothing to do with your war!"

But the offspring of elders
Shocked by what they heard
Grew angry at Lord Nordak's
Soft spoken words
So they all drew their swords
Held them high in the sky and cried
"Nordak you will join us or you will die!"

Now, Nordak is often the gentlest beast
But these words did displease
To say the very least
He rose to his feet which
Then? through the packs
And held high above, his immense battle axe!
"Nordak will not go, so it is declared!"
And the offspring of elders
Went running off scared
But they didn't run far
Just off outta sight
And waited for Nordak to bed for the night

Then they crept out without making a noise
And they dusted a bush of
His with magic poison
And off they did dash and
Wait 'til next morning
And rise they did when they
Heard Nordak stop snoring

And watched as he had his
First smoke of the day
The bush with the poison Nordak puffed away
Immediately, he fell under it's spell
His muscles all froze, then Lord Nordak fell

The offspring of elders
All appeared a-cackles
And tied up the comatose Nordak in shackles
And caged him
They planned to enslave him and take him
Out to the front lines where war was raging

The elders were pleased as they
Stroked their long beards
And said "Nordak's on our side
We'll shower them in fear"
And grinning smugly they sat in their castle
While thousands and thousands died
Down in the battle

And all of the leaders of the other tribes
Were all in their castles
Watching from inside
And sipped wine from the hollowed
Out skulls of their soldiers
Greed grew much stronger
Blood grew much colder

Well, far out beyond their moats
Out in the battlefield bodies of men and the
Shrapnel of shattered steel
Littered the land
And the blood soaked the ground
Arrows went whizzing past, soldiers went down

Rats ate from bodies that
They filled with holes
Men were beheaded, impaled upon poles
One thing the elders agreed was this war
Was far more horrible than
The one long before

But they knew they would win
It on this very night
As they signaled to send Nordak
Out to the fight
The soldiers rolled out the cage
In which they kept him
And laughed as they planned to
Deploy this new weapon

They sprinkled some anti magic dust inside
Then unlocked his chains and
All stepped aside and Nordak awoke and he
Stood and he stretched a bit dizzy
He still felt the poison's effects

All of the soldiers froze
Still in their places
As fear and befuddlement shone on their faces
They stared up at Nordak afraid and confused
They saw as he came to he wasn't amused
Nevertheless they attacked all a-holler
And Nordak in-facing just frowned down
On all of them
Felt as their arrows broke off at his knees
Lord Nordak stormed back to the trees

The soldiers kept fighting
Thought Nordak was hiding
In fact, what he was doing was just deciding
To finally put an end to all this war
And he crept to the outskirts
As it began pouring

Then found out each castle
Where each leader slept
And into each palace he quietly crept
He captured each leader before they could run
Plucked off their heads, every last one

The elders, the offspring of elders were gone
Then Nordak rushed out as the war carried on
He ran from each village, and into each home
And gathered the families, the sick
The alone

The kids, the elderly, and all their animals
Rushed them all past the soldiers
And their battle skulls
Up to the mountain, his peaceful oasis
And wept as he saw the
Joy wash on their faces

He offered them blankets and bread
Soup and wine
Mixed medicines to help the injured feel fine
And they watched down below the
Last hours of killing
Just a war with no leaders or purpose
So silly

All went to sleep and arose in the dawn
And the smoke below that all once there gone
They bowed and then vowed to
Never be so reckless
And Nordak awoke and said
"let's make big breakfast"
They cooked and they ate and
They drank and they sung
And smoked from the bushes when
They all were done
And they all lived in peace for
The rest of their days
Living their lives in the finest of ways

In the earth's core, Nordak
Buried his hatchets, See
Which is why to this day
Earth still has gravity
Then came the comets, and then dinosaurs
And then more comets and then
Us and then more wars the end