Family Guy - Life of Brian lyrics

Title: Life of Brian

Stewie: Hurry, Brian they're gaining on us!

Brian: Dammit, we're surrounded

Native American 1: Crap, they got away

Brian: Dammit, Stewie
What the hell did you do?

Stewie: I know, I know i messed up

Brian: "I messed up" You went back
To 17th century Jamestown and
You gave guns to the Indians
And now they're running everything!

Stewie: I said I messed up
Alright i guess I just have this
Pathological need to be liked

Brian: Well it's not a good trait

Stewie: Aw, come on
Don't say that lemme buy you lunch

Brian: Thanks to you the
Indians killed all the
White people and took over America i mean
You're the one that's always saying
Never alter the past

Stewie: Oh come on, Brian, let's be honest
I frequently alter the past

Jesus: Alright, so uh
I guess we'll split the bill 13 ways?
Stewie: Hey, Judas
He ordered like 5 margaritas all
You had was a salad

Brian: You know it actually looks like
The Native Americans have done alright
For themselves they do seem to
Have a lot of shops

Stewie: And it looks like they
Have medical care as well

Native American Doctor: Ma'am, I'm sorry
But, I've done this several times today
And your husband just isn't responding

Native American Wife: Well
Have you tried this?

Native American Doctor: Ma'am
This is a place of medicine

Stewie: And their popular
Music is interesting

Native American Radio Host: And here it is
The number 1 song for the 10, 000th week in
A row: "Huyah, Huyah, huyah"

Stewie: Well, no matter
We better restore things to the way they were
Let's go back to Jamestown and undooh dear!

Brian: What, what is it?

Stewie: The return pad! Looks like
It took some bullets
During our escape doesn't seem to be working

Brian: Hmmm

Stewie: What
Whatwhatwhatwhat is that? What is that
"hmmm"? What are you looking
For? What are you looking for
Specifically? yeah, that's right but
I'm afraid our only hope is perhaps
The alternate version of Stewie in
This universe has created his own time
Machine that we can use

Brian: Well, let's hope so
Otherwise they're gonna kill us

Stewie: yeah, or stick us on some kind
Of white people reservation

Native American Driver: Don't give
Them any money! They're
Just gonna spend it all on deviled-eggs

Native American Lois: Well there's my brave
Warrior how was work today?

Native American Peter: Oh it was so annoying
Everyone was coming around with
Their daughters selling girl scout corn it
Made me feel so guilty
I had to buy like 20 ears

Native American Brian: Hey, shot in
The dark, but uh
Is anyone else in the mood to
Run really fast in one direction?

Brian: Look there it is!

Stewie: And it looks like he has a
Return pad too! Alright, come on
Let's get back to Jamestown
And set things right

Brian: Look
There you are giving them the guns

Stewie: What the hell are
You doing there? You
Told me you were checking on the horses

Brian: Well, she's a sizable woman
That's what I meant

Brian: That's right, we're from Gun Co

Stewie: Shut up, you're blowing it

Native American 3: Where you taking guns?

Stewie: Brian, grab the return pad

Native American 4: Get 'em, pale face!

Native American 3: They're gone we
Can talk normal now

Brian: Well
Looks like everything's back to normal

Stewie: Only one way to be certain okay
Let's do a quick search here
Native American role models 0 results found
Looks like we did it, brian

Brian: Oh, thank god hey
What are you gonna do with all those guns?

Stewie: I don't know
Sell them to some messed-up kid?

Brian: What the hell is that? Stewie?

Brian: Oh my god! What are you doing?!

Stewie: This time machine has almost
Killed us a hundered times
Brian and yesterday was just too
Close a call so I've
Decided to get rid of it
Before something irreparable happens

Brian: But Stewie, your time machine
It's like your crowning achievement! I can't
Believe you'd just destroy it!

Stewie: Trust me, Brian
It's for the best and hey at
Least I've had some fun
With it do you know what I did last week?
I time traveled ahead to Christmas
So I wouldn't have to
Wait all year for the new toys to come out

Cashier: Wow, good timing little fella
This just came out today

Stewie: Uh, yeah, I kinda knew that already

Cashier: Would you like to donate an extra
Dollar to the Quahog food bank?

Stewie: Oh, sure! And would you like to
Come home and clean my toilet
While we're both doing stuff for each other?

Brian: Well, i guess that's it this is like
The end of an era

Stewie: Oh sack up you twink
It's just a machine!

Brian: God
Look at all the perfectly good stuff that
People just throw out for no reason

Stewie: I don't know
It's mostly twin mattresses if you
Have a twin mattress aren't
You pretty much a failure as a human being?

Brian: No, I mean it, like here
Look at this street hockey net
It's in great shape
You know, we should take this home and
Set it up get some fresh air
Get some exercise

Stewie: yeah
I suppose I could use a new hobby
Now that the time machine is gone

Brian: You sure you're not
Gonna miss that thing?

Stewie: I was getting bored of
It anyway you know not
Every historical event is all it's
Cracked up to be

Woman: Women, we've spent decades fighting
For our right to vote
So when you go to those booths and cast your
Ballot remember: Warren G Harding
Is way the cutest!

Stewie: Okay, Brian, I'm just
Putting this out there
But, I'm a baby and only
Dicks don't let babies win

Brian: God, look at this day
Huh? You know usually I'd be
Sitting inside writing, you'd be working
On one of your machines
But here we are enjoying it

Stewie: Yes, it is a nice change of pace oh
Wait, I gotta go grab my knee pads
I was using them forforfor this other
Thing anyway I'll be right back

Stewie: Brian, look out!

Stewie: Ahh, Brian!

Lois: Oh my God! Brian! Brian
Can you hear me?

Peter: Holy crap, what the hell happened?

Squirrel: That guy sucked

Meg: Mom, is Brian gonna be okay?

Lois: I don't know, Meg
But this is the best veterinarian in Quahog
Brian's getting the finest care there is

Stewie: He had to share the
Ambulance with a chicken

Chicken: Don't talk to me
You have a bad reputation
In the chicken community

Doctor: I'm so sorry Mrs griffin
But Brian's injuries are just too severe for
Us to save him I don't know
How much longer he has
But, I suggest that you all go
In and say your goodbyes

Lois: Oh my God brian, no!

Peter: I can't believe it, you're really

Stewie: Dammit, Brian
You can't die we were gonna do
So many things together we
Were gonna become wind surfers i was gonna
Be a little better than you
But we were both gonna be good

Lois: You guys
I think Brian's trying to say something

Brian: You you've given me a wonderful
Life i love you all

Doctor: I'm sorry, he's gone

Chris: Oh my god, he's

Lois: Yes, Chris
I'm afraidi'm afraid that our Brian is dead

Peter: Guys
I'm gonna need a few minutes alone upstairs
I'm gonna do like a sad yank

Mort: Oh, happy birthday Neil

Yusef: Stewie! How are you?

Stewie: Oh, not well
Yusef i need your help i have
To track down a titanium
Capacitor for a high wattage mainframe
I'm going to construct

Yusef: Titanium capacitors? Sorry
There's no way to get those anymore

Stewie: What do you mean? You've
Gotten them for me before

Yusef: I know, but the one guy who
Made those drew a doodle of Mohammed
So he's not around anymore he wasn't even
Doing it on purpose
Just absent-mindedly while talking
On the phone, but it was Mohammed soyou know

Joe: No problem
Lois you know I usually don't
Come to funerals since I'm a cop
I always wind up getting hit by
A black women with her purse

Angry Black Woman: You find the
Man who did this

Joe: Uh
Ma'amwhat's your relationship to Brian?

Angry Black Woman: You bring him
To justice you make
Sure this angel child didn't die for nothing

Joe: Are you sure you're
At the right funeral, ma'am? Brian's a dog

Angry Black Woman: You show the world
Why you became a cop

Joe: Okay

Lois: Thank you everyone for coming today

Mayor West: None of you people
Came to my funeral

Lois: I know Peter wanted to say a few words

Peter: Oh boy
This is umthis is probably the
Worst pain I've ever had
To go through and I've sprained my
Ankle twice umm, the truth is, brian
Wasn't just my dog he was my best
Friend in the whole world he
Was smart, he was loyal, andi guess
What I'm trying to say is
He was like a brother to me andi'm gonna
Spend the rest of my life missing him

Lois: We're all gonna miss him
Peter we're all gonna miss him very much

Quagmire: Dammit, Ortiz
Stop swingin' at junk

Lois: Oh my god
I almost served Brian again i can't believe
He's been gone a whole month

Stewie: Can we at least get rid of the doggie
Door so Chris doesn't keep
Getting stuck in it?

Chris: Every day I get a little further in

Lois: You know I hate to say it
But, I'm startin' to think the
Only way to stop
Missing Brian is to get a new dog

Peter: Or do we all get
Ghostbuster jumpsuit's with our
Names on 'em? Who you
Gonna call? The Griffins

Lois: I'm serious, Peter i know it might
Take time to find the right dog
But, I really feel like it might be the
Best way for us to move on

Chris: yeah, dad

Meg: That would be nice

Peter: Alright
Well I guess it couldn't hurt to look

Stewie: Really? Another dog? Look I miss
Brian more than any of you
But at least now no one's forcing us
To watch those awful PBS documentaries

Voiceover: And now, PBS presents
"Albino Children Are Normal"

Host: So, with the exception of not being
Able to go out in the sun
You're completely normal?

Albino child: Yes the moon is
My sun i like to
Kill beetles beetles are teachers i
Sleep with a fork

Lois: Alright guys
Time to find a new family dog

Stewie: Hey Chris, you're kind of a creep
You should get a ferret

Chris: You're right, I am, and I will!

Lois: I don't know how to
Choose between all these dogs

Vinny: Hey you
Green pants i hear you're looking
For a dog or something

Peter: Finally, someone who sounds like
They went to college hi, i'm Peter

Vinny: Vinny

Peter: Oh, Vinny
Like the Pooh that's kinda cool
So what's your story?

Vinny: Oh, you know
I'm just a regular guy you
Throw a stick, maybe I bring it back
Maybe I bring back an iPhone that fall off
A truck so what do you say
You want me as your dog?

Peter: yeah, I think I do!
Hey, just out of curiosity
What breed are you?

Vinny: Actually, I'm a pussy hound

Peter: Really? Alright!

Vinny: That just means I'm 1 16th cat

Peter: Oh, I wish you hadn't told me that

Peter: Well, Vinny, welcome to our home

Vinny: Alright this is good, this is good hey
You guys got a good bangin' broads couch
You know that?

Lois: Vinny, you must be starving what can
I make you for dinner?

Vinny: Are you kiddin'? You're a
Hard workin' lady so tonight
I'm gonna make you dinner

Lois: Wow, well thank you Vinny

Stewie: Woah, hang on Lois
You promised me we were all
Eating my Play-Doh pasta tonight

Lois: Oh, Stewie, did you
Make something? Mmm
Oh, it's so yummy! Mmm, oh, num num num

Stewie: You better mean those nums

Chris: Chris

Vinny: How 'bout I call you hat boy?

Chris: Hell yeah!

Lois: Lower your voice, Chris

Chris: It's hat boy, bitch

Peter: Wow, look at you
Vinny it's like you're already
Part of the family

Stewie: I don't know, fat man
I think you're jumping the gun i mean
Crucifixion seemed great at first too

Guard 2: Why are you doing that?

Guard 1: Cause, I'm mad at this guy

Guard 2: I'm mad at this jar
Of pickles I can't open

Guard 1: Nail it up!

Quagmire: Hi Vinny

Joe: How you doin'?

Joe: That's right

Vinny: Hey
That's great maybe sometime you can
Take me on a ride-along with ya
Show me the neighborhood

Joe: yeah, i don't take people out
On ride-alongs anymore
I had a bad experience with Grimace

Joe: I gotta be honest
I can't get a bead on you man

Peter: Oh boy, Vinny
Hangin' out with you has been the
Best you want another beer?

Vinny: No i'd love one!

Peter: But, the first thing you said
Was, ah haha, oh my god
You're like on another level Vinny

Stewie: Congratulations
You've won over a complete imbecile

Vinny: Woah, woah
Woah did you just speak ill of the man
Who busts his tail providing for you?

Stewie: He spent my college
Fund on puppet clothes

Vinny: Hey, don't get fresh with me Estudio

Stewie: That's not my name that's not even
An Italian version of my name

Vinny: Whatever

Stewie: God, what a jerk if this
Guy thinks he's sticking around
He's sorely mistaken i'm going to ruin him!
Just like I ruined that magician's act

Stewie: People, people
People this man drives a Saturn

Stewie: Alright, Rupert
I've been left with no choice i'm
Going to tell Vinny so much
Bad news about Italian-Americans that
He goes into
Cardiac arrest vinny, there you are
I have some terrible news! Sal Enuncio's kid
Was killed by a falling piano

Stewie: He just got in to SUNY Albany!

Stewie: Oh my god, it's working

Chris: Hey Vinny, Bobby Lamidero's kid just
Got out of the hospital, he beat the cancer

Vinny: Oh, thank heavens the man in the
Sky knows what he's doing

Stewie: Chris, what are you doing?

Chris: Call me a creep you piece of crap!

Vinny: Stewie, what's with the waterworks?

Stewie: Oh, uh
I realized I paid too much for my muffler

Vinny: Com on kid, quit cryin'
You're gonna get your paints
Wrinkled what's the matter?

Stewie: Fine do you want to know what's the
Matter? You're the matter everyone in this
Family is so damn thrilled with you they've
Forgotten all about Brian well I'm
Not thrilled i'll never forget Brian he was
My best friend you're not supposed to
Lose your best friend at my age you're
Not supposed to lose him ever

Vinny: Look, Stewie, I know it
Doesn't seem like it now
But you're gonna be okay

Stewie: yeah, right how do you know?

Vinny: Because, i once had a thing happen
To me with some stuff

Stewie: Really? That's what's happening
To me stuff

Vinny: You know before you guys
Found me at the shop
I lived with an old man named Leo it was just
Him and me in a tiny apartment and we
Got pretty tight he kinda became
My whole world by
The time he passed away it was real tough

Stewie: So, how did he die?

Vinny: He tried to go to a yoga class and
On the first pose his ballsack split in half

Stewie: Really?

Vinny: yeah, it was on Dateline, it
Was a whole thing anyway
I guess Leo was kinda like my Brian

Stewie: So how'd you get over him?

Vinny: Well
I met your family in the pet store when
I saw you guys were lookin' for a dog, i
Kinda sensed you all were going
Through the same feelings of
Loss that I was and it made me think
Hey maybe I was meant to find these guys
Maybe we were meant to be together

Stewie: You know what
Vinny i'm starting to think that may be true

Vinny: Hehe, bring it in, Stewie

Vinny: Hey, Stewie, now that we're pals
Maybe you can answer me somethin'
Why does your living room
Smell like puke? Someone throw
Up in there once?

Stewie: Vinny my friend
You've got a lot of stories to catch up
On i've got most of them on DVD

Vinny: Oh cool like by season and stuff?

Stewie: Haha, no not by season

Lois: Boy, i can't remember the last time
Stewie fell asleep this early

Vinny: Well
I think the little guy had a long day

Lois: Alright, come on
Time for bed Vinny i'll tell Peter to
Turn off the nightlight this time

Vinny: You know actually
Lois i think I'm gonna sleep
In here with Stewie tonight

Lois: Oh
Well isn't that nice sleep tight you two

Stewie: Goodnight Vinny

Vinny: Goodnight Stewie

Witch: Hey
You guys know which room is Peter's?

Vinny: Across the hall

Witch: Ah, it's too bright in there nevermind