John Mulaney - A Child With Lawyers lyrics

I was nervous all the time, but
I had a good family, i have wonderful
Parents a lot of guys my age, I'll
Hear them say this they'll go
"Every day I think I'm becoming more
Like my dad" I think
I'm becoming more like my mom?
Because I I was watching
That show "Access Hollywood" and one
Of the reporters said, "Up next
We've got an exclusive interview
With Sandra Bullock's
Former husband, Jessie James" And
Out loud, I went
"Euch! This ought to be good" That's pure mom

My parents are both lawyers
They are both lawyers
And sometimes they would be like lawyers
With us when we were kids i remember
One time I was in bed, and my
Dad came in and he said, "Good night
John! Did you brush your teeth?" And I
Said, "Yes" But here's the thing i hadn't
But who cares? I didn't have, like
A job interview or anything so my dad comes
Back and in a couple minutes holding my
Toothbrush he says, "John
Is this your toothbrush?" and
I said "Yes, " and he said, "So
We agree that this is
Your toothbrush?" Then he
Said, "John this toothbrush
Is bone-dry" Like
He looked down and he said "bone-dry"
He said, "You lied to me!" I
Said "Dad, I did not lie
I said that I brushed my teeth
I never specified that I brushed
My teeth tonight and
If the court reporter reads back my remarks
You will see that I did not perjure myself"

My mom's also a lawyer
She was a different kind of lawyer with
Us when we were kids my mom
Was more like Nancy Grace she would
Just make wild accusations all day
Long and wait for something to stick my
Mom would blame me for things
That happened on the news that is
True i woke up one
Morning when I was a kid and my mom
Was standing over my bed and said
"I just heard that Princess Diana and her
Lover Dodi Al-Fayed have been killed
In Paris" Like I had something to do
With it! I was like, "Mom, i
Have been here all night you can
Feel the TV, it's warm" Luckily
I had a good alibi since I
Was in Wisconsin and 12

My brothers and sisters and I had this
Babysitter named Veronica when we were
Kids and I was in love with
Her i was in love with
Veronica she would babysit us on Saturday
Nights and in my head, when
I was a little kid, I thought
That Veronica was like 25
30 years old i was just talking to my mom
The other week i found out that when I
Was 10 Veronica was 13 so why was she
In charge? All she could do was dial
The telephone a little better than I
Could 13 when I'm 10?
That's just like hiring a slightly
Bigger child that would
Be like if you're going out
Of town for the week
And you paid a horse to watch your dog like
"All
Right, here is the number where we'll be, and
Here's where we keep the dog food
And you're a horse" "Shh shh
Shh shh shh, shh shh shh
Shh shh" Why do people
Do that? People always shush
Animals they'll go, "Hey
Shh shh shh…" They've never spoken

I always wanted to live in New York
When I was a kid i'm
So excited that I get to live
In New York i saw New
York City in a movie when I was a kid
It was called home Alone 2: Lost in New York
It is a sequel yeah, how about that
Movie? It was a sequel to the movie Home
Alone i remember in that movie   oh
The kid in Home Alone 2 he
Gets into a stretch limousine
On 5th avenue with a large
Cheese pizza and I thought, "This is the
Height of luxury!" Now I live in
New York and I'm psyched
But that is a stupid movie title lost in New
York? The streets are numbered how'd you get
Lost in New York? I know
It's kind of stupid to
Complain about a movie that came
Out 17 years ago
But I wasn't a comedian back then so I have
To do it now i wish I'd been i
Wish I'd been a Def Jam comic
When that movie came out i would have
Torn it to pieces! Be like, "You seen
This shit? You seen this Home Alone 2: Lost
In New York shit? It's a grid system
Motherfucker! Where you at? 24th
And 5th? Where
You wanna go? 35th and 6th? 11
Up and one over
You simple bitch!" That'd be my big
Joke that'd be the closer
If I was a Def Jam comic when
That movie came out but alas, i was not