John Mulaney - We'd Rather You Do It In The House Than Go Somewhere lyrics

The weirdest thing when I was a
Kid was how much they scared
Us about smoking weed they scared us
About it constantly and I’ve
Been on tour this year… Marijuana is
Legal in 18 or 19 states
In some form or another it’s
Insane yeah, well… All right
Don’t "whoo" if you’re white
It’s always been legal for us come on, sir
We don’t go to jail for marijuana
You silly billy when I was
Arrested with a one-hitter at
A Rusted Root concert
I did not serve hard time i think I got
An award eighteen or 19 states and
By the way, I agree
It’s a very good thing but it’s also a
Really weird thing
Because this is the first time I’ve ever
Seen a law change because the
Government is just like
"Fine" You know? I’ve never seen it
Before like, gay marriage and healthcare
We have to battle it out in the
Supreme Court, and be like, "Gay people
Are humans" And they’re like
"We’ll think about it"
But with weed, it was just
Something we wanted really badly
And we kept asking them for 40 years, like
"Excuse me" And then suddenly
The government became like
Cool parents, and they’re just like, "Okay
Here take a little we’d rather you
Do it in the house than go
Somewhere else… blah, blah, blah, blah
Blah" Those stupid parents and
That’s a big deal
Because they scared us about
Weed constantly it would
Be on our sitcoms we’d be watching
Saved by the Bell, we’d be having a
Great old time and then, suddenly
A character we had not seen before
Would show up with some weed
And the episode would stop cold
In it's tracks and they’d
Always hold the joint… The bad guy would
Hold the joint in a villainous
Way they’d always offer the joint in
A way that no one ever
Holds a joint like it’s a skull
In a Shakespeare play and now
It’s legal, and that is great news
Unless you’re a weed dealer
And then it is terrible news and I
Don’t just mean because they’re about
To lose out to Amazoncom i more feel
Bad for weed dealers ’cause they’re about
To find out that we only showed
Them a certain amount of politeness
Because they had an illegal product and we
Don’t show that same politeness to
People who deliver legal products like, when
The Chinese food delivery guy comes
We don’t let him hang
Out after he’s delivered the
Chinese food and we
Don’t look the other way when he
Says weird shit to the girls we’re hanging
Out with… to try to preserve
The relationship and we definitely
Don’t give him
Some of the Chinese food he’s never
Like, "Hey, can I get in on
Those dumplings?" And we’re like, "yeah
We’re all friends"