John Mulaney - Whiskey or Perfume lyrics

I'm Irish i keep things very bottled up
And I don't drink which is not
What you're supposed to do when
You're Irish I don't drink i
Used to drink and then
I drank too much and I had
To stop that surprises a
Lot of audiences because I don't
Look like someone who used
To do anything i look like I was
Just sitting in a room in
A chair eating saltines for like 28
Years and then I walked right
Out here but, I did
I used to drink a lot and then I
Stopped I don't know if anyone here
Is thinking about quitting drinking
But, you need to know 2 things
If you're thinking of quitting drinking

The first is that when you
Stop drinking and you
Still go to parties where
People are drinking
They will have no idea what to offer you
Like once people start drinking
For the night
They forget everything that isn't
Alcohol like I'll show up at a
Party and they'll be like
"Hey everybody! Alright we got
Coronas in the fridge
And oh, hey Mulaney! Would you like
Like an old turnip we found
In the cabinet? Would
That be good for you? Would you
Like that? I know you don't
Drink or my girlfriend left a
Nuva Ring in the fridge
Would you want that? Would that be good
For you? I know you don't drink!"

Also if you quit drinking
You're about to lose
The greatest excuse in your life, which is
"I'm really sorry about last night i
Was just too drunk…" That
Is a get out of jail free card that you don't
Even realize you've had until you
Lose it i can't
Say that anymore i can never be like
"Sorry about
Last night, I was just so drunk" Now I have
To be like, "I'm really
Sorry about last night
It's just that I'm mean and loud
It probably will happen again"

Now I, myself   I quit drinking 'cause I
Used to drink too
Much and then I would black out and I
Would ruin parties… or so I'm
Told when you do that
Enough, you blackout drinking and
You do crazy things, you kind of become like
Michael Jackson like any
Story anyone says about you might be true
And even you don't know by the end i
Saw an interview with Michael
Jackson before he died and they were like
"Is it true you bought the elephant
Man's bones?" And he was like
"I don't know!" Ya know
'cause how could he keep track of that?

So I would hear stories about
Myself here's a story
I once heard about me i guess I
Was 20 and I was at a party at
Someone's house and I had
Blacked out drinking
And someone came out of
One of the rooms at this
Party holding like an
Old antique bottle with some liquid in it
And they said, "Hey
Is this whiskey or perfume?" And apparently I
Grabbed it, drank all of it, and said
"It's perfume" And it was