John Mulaney - What Would Leonard Bernstein Do? lyrics

One time I was at the dinner
Table when I was like six, because
I had to be my dad goes
"How was school today?" I said
"It was good but someone pushed Tyler off
The seesaw" "And where were you?" "I
Was over on the bench" "And what did you do?"
"Nothing i was over on the bench" "But
You saw what happened?" "yeah
'cause I was over on the bench" "So
You saw what happened and
You did nothing?" "yeah, ’cause
I was sitting over on the bench" "Let
Me ask you this in Nazi Germany
When people saw what the Nazis
Were doing and did nothing, were
Those good people?" "No, those
Are bad people you gotta
Stop the Nazis" "But, you
Saw what they were doing to
Tyler and you did nothing!"
"Because I was over on the bench" And then my
Dad said
"Just explain to me this how are you
Better than a Nazi?" And then my mom said
"I made a salad with Craisins!"
And the conversation ended

My dad's a very weird
Informal guy a lot of people ask me if
He gave me a sex talk yes
I think i was like 12 years old and my dad
Walked up to me and he said, "Hello… Hello
I'm Chip Mulaney i’m your father"
And then he said the following, "You know
Leonard Bernstein was one
Of the great composers and conductors
Of the 20th century, but
Sometimes he would be gay and according
To a biography I read
Of him, when he was holding
Back the gay part
He did some of his best work"
Now we don't have time to
Unpack all of that and I don't know if he was
Discouraging me from being gay or encouraging
Me to be a classical
Composer but that is how he
Thought to phrase it
To a 12-year-old boy how would that
Ever work? Like years later
I'd be in college about to
Go down on some rocking
Twink and I'd be like
"Wait a second what would Leonard
Bernstein do?" I've never talked to
My dad about that
But I figured I would tell all of you

This is so great thank you for
Coming you're here that's great
You all showed up i appreciate it and then we
Showed up so you got to
See the things that you
Paid to see that’s great you
Don’t always get to
See the things that you paid to
See ever been to the
Goddamn zoo? Those guys are never
Where they're supposed to
Be every time I go to the zoo I’m like, "Hey
Where's the jaguar?" And the zoo guy is like
"He must be in the inside part" "The
Inside part? Tell him we're here"