John Mulaney - Why Buy The Cow? lyrics

I talked to a lot of
People before I got engaged
You know and I heard this expression about
Whether or not you should get married this is
An old expression people say this they say
"Why buy the cow when you can get the
Milk for free?" You ever heard that before?
It's a bananas insulting expression… to
An entire gender but also
It makes no sense "Why buy the cow
When you can get the milk for
Free?" You’re not allowed to milk a
Cow that you don't own that's
Not even a situation was that a
Problem at one point? Like
In the dairy community? Was that
Happening a hundred years ago
In some village? Some Dutch
Prick was sneaking in
At night being like, "Ah ha ha
I take your milk" And the farmer was
Like, "Well, then, this is your cow
Now" And he was like, "No
No proof of purchase" And he ran off
Into the night that sounded Dutch
Right? You know what that… you know
What that expression means? It means
"Why would you marry a woman if
She’s already having sex with
You?" Which has nothing
To do with what relationships are even
Like anymore now, it's like, "Why buy the
Cow?" Uh, maybe because, every day, the
Cow asks you when you're gonna buy it and
… you live in a really small
Apartment with the cow, so you can't avoid
That question at all and also
The cow is way better at arguing than
You are and the cow grew
Up in a family that knows how to
Argue "Why buy the cow?" Uh
Maybe because every time another cow gets
Bought, you have to go to
The sale and you have
To sit next to your cow at the sale
And your cow looks over at you
The entire time like… And
Does not enjoy the sale at
All… even though she's
The one that wanted to go to the sale
And she's especially mad because that farmer
And cow met, like, eight months after you
Guys met "Why buy the cow?" Well, let's
Be real here you're very lucky to have the
Cow that you do have "Roping in
Cows and getting milk out of them was
Never anything you were known for
John" By the most liberal
Of estimates, there have been about
Eight cows total, several unmilked
And… a lot of people think
That you like bulls
And if you just bought… They
Assume it when you search your name
The third thing to come up
Is like, "John Mulaney bull?" And if
You just bought the cow
Nobody would say that anymore they’ll still
Say it ‘Cause there are those
Guys who, they buy a cow, and then on the
Side, total matador, but… But
For real, Chicago
Why buy the cow? Let’s be real why
Buy the cow? Because you love her
You really do and, yeah, yeah… Sure
She's a bossy little Jew, but… … she takes
Care of you and you don’t wanna be
Some old man stumbling around, like, "Hey
You seen any loose milk?"