John Mulaney - Altar Boys With Rat Mustaches lyrics

My wife is Jewish she’s a New
York Jew i did it! Now
I was raised Catholic i don’t know if you
Can tell that from the everything about me
My wife is Jewish, I grew up Catholic
So we got married by a friend
Being married by a friend is a beautiful
Ceremony that alienates both
Families’ religions
While confusing the elderly people
At the wedding
"What’s the name of the bishop?"
"That’s actually stand-up comedian
Dan Levy he was the host of MTV’s Your
Face or Mine?" I saw a
Lot of Catholic weddings, though
Because I was an altar boy… And a hush
Falls over the room isn’t it weird how
That became a scandalous thing? That was just
Some boring shit I had to do
On weekends but now, it’s like saying
"I was a French maid for a period
Of time i was treated well
In my day i worked for a variety of sirs" No
Being an altar boy was just a boring gig
You know? You’d serve Mass and
Then you’d serve weddings
Sometimes my brother was once an altar boy
At a wedding, and he was standing there
With another altar boy in this big
Packed church in Chicago where we grew
Up and the bride was coming down the aisle
And the organ was playing, and all
The pews were filled, and the bride got all
The way to the altar, and the groom
Lifted the veil off of the bride
And right at that moment the other altar boy
Said, "Aw, she’s ugly" And then they looked
And they were right
Next to the video camera and
I know that’s awful, but
Wouldn’t you give a million dollars
To see that wedding video?
It was the best moment of
This stupid woman’s life, and
She’s walking down the aisle
And the organ’s like… And she
Gets all the way to the
Altar to her betrothed, and he unveils her
To the world and to the eyes
Of God and right at
That second, for no reason at
All, some Cheeto-fingered, rat-mustached
13-year-old prick decides to go, "Aw
She’s ugly!" Hopefully the videographer
Knew some sound
Editing so he could fix it to be like, "Aw
She’s beautiful she’s enchanting"