John Mulaney - Asian American Woman lyrics

I think the bullying that young
People have to go through
Now in schools is really
Rough i really sympathize
'cause I was bullied when I was
A kid when I was in grade school
I was bullied for being Asian-American and
The biggest problem with that is
That I am not Asian-American but when I
Was younger, and this is absolutely true
People thought that I might be Asian-American
I have pretty thin eyes
I had very thin eyes when I was
A little kid and I had
Straight black hair that I wore in a bowl cut
And from the ages of 3 to 8
People thought that I might be
A young Chinese person

On the first day that he met me
The guy that is now my best friend   he
Met me the first day of kindergarten   he
Went home that night and said, "Papa
Today I met a boy with no
Eyes" And that was me kids
Would make fun of me in middle
School kids would call me a "China man
" which of the racial slurs has got
To be the laziest that is
Just pushing two words together no work
Was done there it was
Very confusing to me because I’m not Chinese
No one in my family is
Remotely Asian i mean, we take our
Shoes off when we come inside
But that was more of a
Carpeting thing that anything else

Here's how bad it got, though: I remember
When I was in junior high
We had this music appreciation
Class that we never
Appreciated and they took us to hear
Some classical music once at
A symphony orchestra
So we go to a symphony orchestra
In one of these classical pieces
There is a moment where they
Bang a gong, and every time
They banged the gong, all
The kids sitting in front of
Me would stand up, turn to
Me, and bow like that which
Is some racist-ass bullshit
But also incredibly well coordinated for
A group of 13-year-olds

13-year-olds are the meanest people
In the world they
Terrify me to this day if I'm
On the street on like a Friday at
3 PM and I see a group of 8th graders on one
Side of the street, i will cross to the
Other side of the street, because 8th
Graders will make fun of you
But in an accurate way they will get to
The thing that you don’t like about you
They don't even need to look at you for long
They'll just be
Like, "Ha ha ha ha ha! Ha ha ha ha ha! Hey
Look at that high-waisted man!
He got feminine hips!" and I'm like
"No! That's the thing I'm sensitive about!"
When I was a boy, I was also confused
With a woman sometimes over the phone
Because before I went through puberty
I had a voice like a little flute
I was once on the
Telephone with Blockbuster Video
Which is a very old-fashioned sentence
And   It is! I was on
The telephone with Blockbuster
Video that's like when your
Gram would be like
"We'd all go play jacks down
At the soda fountain!"
And you’re like, "No one knows
What you’re talking about, you idiot!"
You know, how you talk to your grandma? So
I was on the phone with Blockbuster, and
I'd called them a couple of times in
One day to ask about a movie
And I called for a third time
I said, "Hey, yeah
I I was just calling to see if
You had Addams Family Values yet"
And the guy at Blockbuster went
"Hey lady! I’ll tell you when we get Addams
Family Values!" But look
I wasn't offended as a boy being
Confused with a lady i was offended
As a lady who was getting
Pushed around by this chauvinist asshole
That works at Blockbuster video
Talking to me like I'm some floozy
I am a proud Asian-American woman
And you will treat me with respect!
I am a tiger mom!