John Mulaney - Baby Grandma lyrics

My wife and I don’t have any children
We have a dog we have
A little puppy named Petunia

She’s a tiny little French bulldog puppy i
Like having a puppy that’s a bulldog, ’cause
It’s like having a baby that is also
A grandma her body is young
Her face is as old as time she
Definitely saw the Nazis march into Paris

She always gives me this look of like

"Oh, the things I have seen
You cocksucker you have no idea
The Gestapo threw my printing press
Into a river but, go
Tell your fucking jokes bring me my dish"

She said that
Petunia… Petunia is my best friend in
The world i give her
A million kisses a day she does not like me
And barks at me and bites me all day long

We had to get a dog trainer
Into the apartment because Petunia is
A bad dog we tell her that
Every day we go, "Hey
You’re bad at being a dog"

So, the trainer came into
The apartment sorry, didn’t even walk
Into the apartment, walked into the
Threshold and went, "Oh
Okay" Like she was an exorcist or
Something she said, "I see what
The problem is" She said
"Petunia has become
The alpha of the house" And then
She pointed at me, she said
"You are no longer the alpha of the house"

And in the back of my head, I was like
"I was never the alpha of
The house" I turned to my wife, I was like
"Let’s pretend it’ll be fun
Yes… My title of alpha, which I once had
How can I reclaim it? Because that was
A thing that existed at one time"

She said
"You need to show dominance over your puppy"
These are things people say to me

I said, "How do I do that?" She said, "Well
Let me ask you this who eats dinner first
You or Petunia?"

I was like, "Petunia eats dinner first she
Eats dinner at 5: 00 pm
’cause she’s a foot long and two years old"

She said, "No
You need to eat dinner first because the
King eats before anyone else eats"

Oh, yes, and what a mighty king I will be
Eating dinner at 4: 45 in the
Afternoon "Ah hahaha! Look upon
Your sovereign, Petunia
And tremble my lands stretch
Across this entire one bedroom, and I eat
Dinner whenever I choose
As long as it works for
The schedule of a dog"

She said, "Now
You don’t actually have to eat
Dinner before Petunia you
Just have to convince Petunia
That you’ve already eaten"

So… for the past month
I shit you not… before my
Wife and I give Petunia
Her dish, we take down empty bowls and
Spoons, and in front of her
We go, "Mmm, dinner mmm
Good dinner" Like we’re space aliens
In a play about
Human beings that they wrote, but they
Didn’t work that hard on "Mmm
We’re eating dinner"

Meanwhile, Petunia’s just staring at us
With her Paul Giamatti face, like

"You’re not eating dinner, cocksucker dish
Now"