John Mulaney - Basketball lyrics

I was a really bad athlete when I
Was a kid i'm still a
Very bad athlete my body is bad
At sports that's the problem
And I say my body is bad at sports
Because my brain is good at sports
Like my brain understands how a
Human being could like, dribble
Down a basketball court, and
Then make a lay-up, right?
But then it has to outsource
The job to my weird
And feminine limbs, and so
When I play basketball
It looks like I just bought my body like
I don't know how it works yet

But, I played basketball i played
Basketball for five years, and
I was a bench warmer all five years i was
I was a bench
Warmer for all five years, and if
You were never a bench warmer
I cannot express to you the
Humiliations of every Saturday morning
Putting on a pair of break-away
Pants and never having a
Reason to break 'em away
Then they're just pants

We would get in the game though
For like the last thirty seconds they put
You in the game for the last thirty
Seconds if we were winning so
I got in the game once for the last
Thirty seconds i had to go half
Of one minute without doing anything wrong
And I walk out
On the court, and I get fouled right away
I get knocked to the ground so this referee
Runs over to help me
Up, and he's like, "Hey, hey
Hey don't you worry
Son we're gonna get you some free throws"
And I was like, "Oh
No no no no no no no no no no no
That will not be necessary if
You are looking to make this up to me
Might I suggest a gift certificate of some
Kind?" Oh, and it was a, uh
It was a technical foul
So they cleared the court
They were like, "yeah, you go
On out there solo
Really explore the space with how much
You suck at this game"

So if you were in the stands
You could watch me shoot free
Throws and you could watch my team
Watch me shoot free throws, and
At that moment, my team's bench
It looked like some like, bizarre Last
Supper painting? You know, where the
People are just like, "Oh
He's not gonna shoot free throws is he?
Oh this is a really bad idea"
And my coach in the middle just like
"What the hell have you sent me?"
I get up to the foul line, and
I air balled the first one, but
I did not air ball the second
One, because, after you air ball
The goal no longer becomes to make a
Basket it's just to hit some shit
To show the people in the bleachers that
You have a general sense of the
Game, so I hit some shit: bottom of
The back board, to be precise
And that was my last year of basketball

And at the end of the five
Years, we had this big like
Sports awards ceremony where the
Woman, in charge of all the teams got up
To give a speech, a very important speech
That I'll never forget she got
Up there and she
Said uh, "You know, programs like the
Boys' basketball program are so important
Because the alternative for young
Men could be using drugs or alcohol
" and that was the first time that
I ever heard that there was
An alternative to basketball
And so I became the best at that