John Mulaney - Blacking Out and Making Money lyrics

I love coming out to clubs and bars
On the weekends because nowadays every bar
Will bust out some crazy drink special
You know? You'll see em' advertised
And honestly most of them are okay
The ones around, they'll be like, "Bucket
Of beers" or "Ladies drink free
" but then sometimes I'll hear about
A drink special that sounds like
Borderline dangerous like my
Friend will call me up and be like
"Man, we gotta go to O'Halligans tonight
It is nickel shot night" Like
Yeah i'm pretty sure we'll die if we go
To O'Halligans nickel shot night
Should be illegal

You know what I used to do
San Francisco? I used to do
Black out drinking every night
Of the week that's absolutely true
I used to do
That every night for those of you
Who don't know what that is, blacking
Out is when you drink so much
That your brain goes to sleep
But, your body gets all "Eye of
The Tiger" and soldiers on
I used to do this every night of
The week i'm not proud of
That fact by the way i'm not
Proud that I blacked out every
Night i'm not proud that I saw the
Movie The Notebook in the theater
But it happened i can't change the
Past it was a matinée, too it's pathetic

I'll tell you about blacking out
It was always weird when
I'd go out for the night
With like some money
And then black out and wake up
With no money it was even weirder, though
When I went out for the
Night with some money, black out, and
Wake up with more money
Because that means that I earned money that
Means that I traded goods and
Or services which is scary

Scary, but sometimes I'd almost be proud
Of it, you know? Like, "Wow
I turned twenty dollars into a
Hundred dollars i am a
Financial wizard" Like, i
Would like to give people money advice now
But I don't know how that would go
You know? Like they would just
Be like, "John, we're looking
To get rich quick, "
And I'd be like, "Well
Have you tried mixing daiquiris
With Ambien?" They're like, "Does
That work?" I'm like, "It didn't not work"
I started drinking when I was way too young
I was about thirteen when I started
But honestly, that is nothing because I saw
A Dateline NBC special about alcoholics
Alright? And they interviewed this woman who
Started drinking when she was
Eight years old when she was
Eight! It was hilarious

I don't even know what I'd be
Like drunk at eight years
Old like my dad comes home
From work and is like:

"So, John, boy what did you do today?"
And I'm just like, "Heh, um, colored"
"You, you did what now?" "Colored!"
"You know, coloring?" "Like, with a crayon?"
"Well, uh, what did you color?"
"Some big fuckin' brontosaurus
It doesn't matter what did you color? Fuck
You! You come down to my
Level, you come down here
You come down here you don't
Know me i have secrets
Why yesterday I wore my footie
Pajamas under my clothes
And I pretended that I was a fuckin' fireman"
"Were you at O'Halligans tonight?"
"It was nickel shot night! For a
Quarter they gave me this many"