John Mulaney - Chase Through the Subway lyrics

I've lived in New York City
Now for a few years
And I have a new phenomenon in my life
Where late at night on the street
Women will see
Me as a threat that is funny, yeah
Haha that is silly it's weird too because
Like I'm still afraid of being kidnapped

But, I'll give you the best example of this
A couple of months ago I was
At a subway station at
Two o'clock in the morning, alright?
And I'm changing between trains
Two o'clock in the morning
At this subway station
And you have to like walk down
This long hall way in order
To change trains so
It's two o'clock in the morning and it's
Just me and this woman and
We're walking down the hallway
She's walking a few
Yards ahead of me, But she keeps
Giving me like the over-the-shoulder, like
That, you know? And then, she starts
To pick up the pace
Like she starts to walk a lot faster so I
Think, "Oh
She must hear the train coming or
Maybe she feels it in
Her feet like a Native American
In a movie" So
I start to sprint down the hallway
At her And she looks
Back and she's like, "Ah!" And
Then she gives chase
So now we're booking it down the
Corridor at two o'clock in
The morning and I'm gaining on
Her! I'm gaining on her
And were getting to the end of the hallway
And she starts to go into that like dead-end
Shuffle, you know? That women do when you
Chase 'em and I'm almost there I'm
Almost at her and it dawns on
Me "Oh, she's running from me
Because in her eyes I'm an adult and adults
Rape each other kind of a lot"

So I wanted to go up to her
And be like, "Hey no, nah
I'm not like a i'm not like
A rrr- like a rrr- like a rrr- I'm not a
Man i'm just some stupid
Punk, you know?" But, I think that
That would be equally creepy, okay
As if you ran into a
Subway station at two o'clock
In the morning and
I chased you down, grabbed you, and said
"I'm not going to rape you
I'm just a little boy"