John Mulaney - Cops And Criminals lyrics

No, my parents loved us it’s just, like
They were
The cops, you know? And we were criminals so
We didn’t
Get along we only got along in that way that
Like, cops will sometimes be
Chummy with criminals like
When my dad and I would
Talk, it was like that scene
In the movie Heat
When Robert De Niro and Al Pacino
Sit down in that diner we
Kind of had that rapport of, like
"Hmm, we’re not so different
You and I you have your law practice, and me
I have all these fucking markers"
"I guess we both
Have responsibilities when you look
At it that
Way" My dad would respect it if I could
Get away with breaking a rule we had
A rule in our house
You were not allowed to watch
TV on a school night so, every school night
I would 100% be
Watching TV and I would hear my dad coming
I would immediately turn the TV off and grab
Any book, magazine, periodical
Anything and I’d open it and pretend to be
Doing homework my dad would walk in the
Room and he would go, "What are you doing?
Are you watching TV?" And I’d go, "No
Man i’m not watching TV" And the TV
Wouldn’t even be dark yet it
Would still have, like
A neon green halo around it it’d
Be sizzling like a glass
Of Pepsi and I would look my dad
In the eyes and go, "No
I’m just reading this Yellow Pages"