John Mulaney - Could Be A Nursery lyrics

I have a wife and a dog
And we just bought a house
We have a new house
It was built in the ’20s, but it was
Flipped in 2014 which means it’s haunted
But it has a lovely kitchen backsplash

Actually, we didn’t buy a house
A bank bought a house
And I’m allowed to keep my
Shirts and pants there
While I pay it off for 30 years
The woman from the bank came over and
She showed me my mortgage broken
Down month by month for 30 years
And she said, "So, for instance
This is what you’ll pay in July of 2029"

And I burst out laughing i was like, "2029?
That’s not a real year by 2029
I’ll be drinking moon juice with
President Jonathan Taylor Thomas
I’m not gonna be writing you a paper check"

I like having a house
But I loved looking for a
House, ’cause I love real
Estate agents i mean
They are the true heroes they really are have
You ever watched HGTV? Real
Estate agents have
To deal with the dumbest people in the world
Making the biggest decisions of their lives

Every episode of HGTV is like
"Craig and Stacia are looking for
A two-story A-frame that’s near Craig’s
Job in the downtown, but also
Satisfies Stacia’s need to be near the
Beach which is nowhere near
Craig’s job with three children and
Nine on the way
And a max budget of $7… let’s
See what Lori Jo can do
On this week’s episode of You
Don’t Deserve A Beach House"
I loved our real estate agent it was
So fun to hang out with
Her it was like hanging out with
My mom ‘Cause, you know
Real estate agents always look like your
Mom and they have various Chico’s
Accoutrements they always have kind of fun
Mom energy and they’re always

"So excited to see you two"

We would have little conferences before we
Walked into a house she’d go
"Let’s talk let’s talk before we go in"
We’re, like, two feet from the door "So
There’s no toilets
And I know that was on your list but
I think I can get him to budge let’s go"

So, we’d have a real estate
Agent, and then, like
The house would have a real estate agent
Who’s just some guy sitting in
A big chair and these two always
Hated each other they’d be
Like, "Hi, Tony" "Hi, Kim" It’s
Like, "Jesus Christ! What
Were you two in the Eagles together?
What is the animosity about?"

Our real estate agent wanted us to have a
Baby more than anyone else in our lives
More than anyone in our family she
Hinted about it constantly
Every room she walked into, she’d be like

"So, this could be an office"

"Or maybe a nursery"

"yeah, haha, no, like we said
We don’t know if we’re gonna have "

"No, no i know, I know, you know you
Don’t know if you’re gonna have ’em, but you
Know you know
You never know sometimes you don’t
Know what’s gonna happen, and then… you know
Something happens"

"Well, yeah, that’s how all of life works"

"Okay, all right okay uh
Huh mmm this is an on-fire garbage can"

"Could be a nursery"

She showed me a backyard once she goes
"I don’t even like this backyard for you"

I was like, "Oh, do tell"

She said
"It’s all pavement i think you should
Have some grass out there you know
In case you have a couple… little
Guys… running around in the grass"

And I got offended on behalf of my
Imaginary kids i was like, "Hey
Lady i went outside about as much
As Powder from the movie
Powder my children are not gonna
Be playing out on grass
They will be up in their rooms
Playing violent video games and
Catfishing pedophiles these are my children
And that’s my wife!"