John Mulaney - Crime News lyrics

I've always been too interested in
Crime news and stuff like
That like cold case files and
That kind of thing

I love reading crime news in general
I like the local paper
In a city because they always
Have good crime coverage
And it's funny to me when
The local paper will try
And make someone sound prettier
After they're murdered like
You'll walk by the newsstand and you'll see
The headline like, "Beauty Slain"
And then you
Look at the photo and you're like
"Hmm how about: Body Found?"

My new favorite term in crime reporting is
Someone is a "person of interest
" that means that someone is
Like an unofficial suspect in a
Case which I think
Is a pretty good term, but to me
"person of interest" almost sounds
Too flattering like if I was
In my apartment and
The police pounded on the door and were like
"A man
Was murdered in your lobby last night
And you are a person of interest!" I would
Be like, "Moi? Oh, do go on fresh"