John Mulaney - Delta Airlines lyrics

I will tolerate any treatment
Like I travel alone sometimes
And I'll put up with anything
I'll book a ticket on some garbage airline -
You know, i don't wanna name an actual
Airline so let's just
Make one up let's call it "Delta Airlines"

So I'll book a ticket on "Delta
Airlines" and I'll show up at
The airport and I'll go, "Can I
Get on the plane now, please,?"
And they go, "No it's delayed nine hours"
And I go, "Okaaay!"
And then I go to the bathroom
And then I come out of the bathroom and I go
"Any updates?" and they go "yeah
We took off while you were in the bathroom
Because we hate you now take this
Meal voucher that doesn't work, go fetch!"
And I go, "Okaaay!" and I go over
To the Wolfgang Puck Express and go
"Can I have a sandwich please,?" and they go "NO!"
And I go, "Okaaay!"
And they go, "You"re a little fat girl
Aren't you?" and I go, "Nooo, " and they
Go, "SAY IT!" and I go
"I'm a little fat girl"
And then I go over to the Delta Help
Desk, which is an oxymoron, and I go, "Can I
Please, go home on an airplane?"
And they go "No!
In fact, we"re gonna frame you for murder
And you're gonna go to
Jail for thirty years!"
And I go, "Why are you doing this to me?!"
And they go, "Because we're Delta Airlines
And life is a fucking nightmare!"
But with my girlfriend, she
Would just be like
"Let's see if Southwest has any flights"
So, it's better