John Mulaney - Ghosts lyrics

Good evening hi, I’m John Mulaney, nice
To meet you jon Brion
Ladies and gentlemen thank you for coming
To see me at Radio
City Music Hall i love to play
Venues where if the guy
That built the venue could see
Me on the stage, he
Would be a little bit bummed about
It look at this this is
So much nicer than what I’m
About to do it’s really
It’s really tragic what a historic and
Beautiful and deeply haunted building
This is i keep walking through
Cold spots being like
"I wonder who that used to be"

I’ve never seen a ghost
By the way i asked my mom if she’d ever seen
A ghost that’s where we’re
At conversation-wise in
Our relationship as a mother and son
Because I’m 35 and I don’t have
Any children to talk about
And she doesn’t understand my career
So I was home
For Christmas and we were just eating
Triscuit's in silence and I
Was staring at the floor and
I was like, "Well, here goes nothing ‘You
Ever seen a ghost?'" And my mom said
"Yes" Which is the best
Answer she said, "I never told you
This before but our house
When you were growing up was
Haunted" I said, "Say more right now!" She
Said, "Outside you and your brother’s room
I used to see the ghost of a little
Girl in a Victorian nightgown and then
She would walk down the
Hallway and then she would evaporate"
And then my dad said
"Let’s change the subject!" And I think he
Was just doing that dad thing of, like
"This is a weird topic and
I want to talk about
A book I read about World War I I
" But the way it came off was
That he definitely killed that little
Girl "Let’s change the subject! Why are
We even talking about Penelope
Or whatever her name was? I didn’t
Kill her! Whoever did kill
Her only did it to protect
Her from this world"

None of us really know our fathers anyway
My dad is so weird i’d love to meet
Him someday you know
My friend was telling me that
His dad used to beat
Him with a belt and that’s just the setup to
My story, so forget about that poor son
Of a bitch anyway
He was talking and I was waiting for him
To be done so I could talk so he’s "talk
Talk, talk" It’s my turn next! And… I said
"My dad never hit us" My dad
Is a lawyer and he was
A debate team champion so he
Would pick us apart psychologically