John Mulaney - Goblin Children and the One-Armed Man lyrics

Kids have it very good now my friend’s
A teacher she told me that
Uh… the parents will take the kids’
Side over the teacher now that’s
Insane that never happened my parents
Trusted every grown-up… more than
They trusted me i don’t mean
Coaches and teachers any
Human adult’s word… was better
Than mine any hobo
Or drifter could have taken me by the ear
Up to my front door and been like
"Excuse me! Your kid bit my dick"
And my mom would be
Like, "John Edmund Mulaney
Did you bite this nice
Man’s dick?" And I would be the
Only one who’s like, "Hey
Doesn’t anyone wanna know why… his dick was
Near my biters… in the first
Place? Isn’t anyone curious… as to how I
Had access?" Don’t get me wrong
My parents love us they just
Didn’t like us we weren’t friends
People are now like
"My mom’s my best friend" I was like, "Oh
Is she a super bad mom?" My parents didn’t
Trust us
And they shouldn’t have trusted us we were
Little goblins we were terrible
I remember, one time, we were
Going to this resort for a
Vacation when we were little
Kids three weeks before we
Went to the resort
My dad sat us down and he said
"All right, we’re going to a resort
And I’ve just been informed that
The man who owns the resort only has one arm"
And we were like, "Oh, yes! Yay! Yes!" "Now
I’m telling you three weeks in advance
So that you will not freak
Out when you see that
He only has one arm" "Oh, we’re gonna
Freak out so bad!" "Yes, John
You have a question?" "How did he
Lose his arm?" "That’s exactly what
You won’t ask" And then I did ask i went into
The kitchen one day, and I was like, "So
How’d
You lose your arm?" And he was like, "Well
I was
Born with only one arm" And I was like
"Nah"