John Mulaney - God Can't Hear You lyrics

My family went to church every
Sunday when I was
A kid my wife cannot believe this she’s like
"You went every Sunday?" "Yes"
"What if you were out of town?" I was like
"They have them out of town" I don’t
Know if you grew up going to
Church and now you don’t
But it can be a weird existence because
I like to make fun of it
All day long, but then if
Someone like Bill Maher says, "Who would
Believe in a man up in the
Sky?" I’m like, "My mommy
So shut the fuck up! Stop
Calling my mommy dumb"
If you grew up going to church and
You have adult friends that didn’t
They have a
Lot of questions they're like, "Wait
So they forced you to go?" yeah, I was five
I was forced to go everywhere no
Kid is just going to church riding
By on his Huffy, like
"Whoa! What’s this place? A
Weird Byzantine temple with
Green carpeting where everyone has bad breath
And I wear clothes that I hate on
One of the mornings of my
Two days off? Let’s do this" But
People get very suspicious they’re like
"What did they say in there? What do they
Do? What did they tell you?" I don’t
Know, it was an hour that
Should be the slogan for
The Catholic church "It’s an hour!"
It’s a few stories
Normally about a guy with a crazy name
Whose wife has a normal name "In
That town lives Zepheriuses and his
Wife Rachel" How come
She gets to be Rachel? "On their way
To Galilee
Jesus met Enos and Barak and their
Wives, Kylie and Lauren" And you’re like
"What? That’s the same joke twice"

Then there’s the homily if
You’re not Catholic
The homily is when the priest
Does a book report that
Is also stand-up comedy it
Normally begins with a
Charming anecdote that is fake
And never happened
"A woman was at a shopping
Mall with her young son" What was
The woman’s name? Hey, Father
What was the name of the shopping mall? Your
Story doesn’t have a lot of details
You only had a week to work on
It and you’ve had the book for
2, 000 years and then there’s some
Songs normally sung by an
Usher one of these ushers that
Opens the door for
You and gives you the pamphlet
And they all look like
Marco Rubio that guy will get up and sing
Into the microphone he’s not a
Singer ’cause he’s not good
At it but he tries he
Sings the Psalms remember
The Psalms? They’re not songs ’cause
They don’t rhyme and they’re
Not good they’re perfectly named
They’re not quite songs
They’re Psalms it’s a word you’re
Meant to mishear "I’m gonna
Sing a Psalm today" What’s
That? You’re gonna sing
A song? "yeah it’s a Psalm"
And then these guys
Get up in front of everyone and they’re like

The bread of God is bread
He will bring us bread
No one but the one from Jericho
Can bring bread to bread

And then the guy goes like this and that
Means we’re supposed to sing our lines
Except we don’t know our lines for
Shit where’s that pamphlet? Where’s
That pamphlet they gave us? Move
The jackets ah ha ha!

The bread of bread is bread
Bread is God is bread

It’s just dads singing so loud
Thinking that’ll somehow get their
Kids to sing

Bread is God is bread is God is bread
Is God is bread

"Sing, goddamn it!" My dad once
Grabbed me by the shirt and lifted me up
During church and said, "God can’t hear you"

Goodnight, New York thank you very much