John Mulaney - I Saw a White Lady Standing on the Street Just Sobbing (And I Think About It Once a Week) lyrics

I saw a white lady standin'
On the street just sobbin'
And I think about it once a week
It was two years ago
Christmas time, foot of snow
Passing through Union Square
And I saw this crying white
Lady just kinda standin' there

Funny, what if instead of getting
On the subway with my
Entire class for our field trip
To look at bugs, i'd walked over

I approach, she's demure
She thinks "Who is this four-foot bachelor?"
So my hand, I extend and say, "I'm Alex J
And you look like you need a friend
Why are you crying in a public place?
Perhaps a friend of yours was
Fake to your face
Or did you just come from Trader Joe's
And you paid too much for your avocados?"
No Kleenex in her purse
I've a handkerchief for her of course
Monogrammed, "Alex J" "Keep it, ma'am
Because you're just havin' one of those days"

I understand

She takes my hand
We walk uptown and dine at Au Bon Pain
I talk of "Sherlock Gnomes"
From beginning to end then, suddenly, I say
"What's that sound I hear?
Your lovely laugh, my dear"
You've got problems and I don't wanna delve
You're a grown-up and I'm barely 12
Expel your problems
I can help you with coping
Look me in the eye
And the floodgates will open

They're phasing out my department
And I will lose my apartment
My mom is no support system
I like bad guys, can't resist them
Forgot to DVR Drag Race
My friend Alysse, fake to my face
Some fraud made them freeze my AmEx
And then, I ran into my ex
And some days, this city and de Blasio
Just make me scream "Why!?"
Why not just stand here and cry?

And also, this whole time
I'm wearing my dad's fancy
Scarf and my Heelys!

Her eyes glisten i don't talk, I listen
Then the rain starts again
We scurry down the street into
Another Au Bon Pain
She takes my handkerchief from her purse
She says, "Alex J, I feel like I'm cursed"
"Lady, I know that the sky isn't clear
But it cannot rain every day of the year
You can't just be crying
In your own narrative
Because, 'We tell ourselves stories
In order to live" she nods "Joan Didion"
I take her hand to Le Pain Quotidien
And we talk about life and
Love and "Sherlock Gnomes"
Until it's time to go home
That's what I think would happen
But, it's all imagined
And I will wonder 'til the end
What if I hadn't walked away?
Would that crying lady be my friend?

Anyway, I remember all sorts of things thanks
For listening and wherever you are, lady
Have a good night