John Mulaney - Long Victorian Nightgown lyrics

I don’t mean to sound down on donating
It’s good to give to charities, you know my
Wife and I just gave a bunch of
Stuff to Goodwill we were moving apartments
We had a bunch of clothes
And furniture, so we made a whole day out of
It we made these big piles of clothes, we
Put the piles into these big boxes
Then we put
The boxes into the back of my car
And then they stayed there for four
Months and then one day my wife said, "Hey
You took that stuff to
Goodwill, right?" And I said, "Of course
I did! On an unrelated note
I’m going to walk out the front door
Right now" So then I had
To speed to Goodwill really
Fast it was charitable
But it was also fast and violent
Because I was throwing
Boxes at people the boxes were
So heavy I couldn’t
Even say what was in them i was like
"This one’s shirts i got a bunch of shirts!
Take ’em away!" The guy tried to give
Me a big receipt he’s like
"Take this receipt for the clothing for your
Taxes" How do I write that on
My taxes? "Dear IRS, please
Deduct from my federal income tax one XXL
Billabong T-shirt from youth it was too
Big my mom said it could
Be a sleep shirt please
Deduct this from my 2017 income"
That sleep shirt bullshit
"Well, if it’s too big you can just wear it
As a sleep shirt" No, I get that, Mom
But why don’t we just tell our relatives
That I’m a four-year-old boy and I
Don’t wear a man’s XXL
T-shirt? "Because we don’t say that
When someone gives us
A gift because that would not be polite" Oh
I get it so rather than violate
These meaningless politeness rules
I’ll just go to bed in a smock like goddamn
Ebenezer Scrooge why don’t you
Give me a candle for looking
In the mirror and
A floppy hat and I’ll tremble
Off to bed in my
Long Victorian nightgown? Was there ever
Even a ghost, Mother
Or was the dead Victorian girl you
Saw just me all along?
So that’s why you can’t give
To charity i’m kidding