John Mulaney - Mariachi and the New York Post lyrics

I, uh…really doi was psyched to do it
In New York uh i'm really happy
To live here and was glad that we
Could do it in New York
City and, uh, I’m not sure how
You all got here tonight, um but
I did wanna say this, I've never
Been, uh, killed by hit men, so I
Don't know what it’s like in the moments just
Before you're killed by hit men but
I bet it's not unlike when you're
On the subway and you realize
That a mariachi band is about to start
Playing just that brief moment where you're
Reading and you're like, "Oh, a guitar
Player oh, another guitar player oh
An accordion player  oh no! This is
The loudest thing in the world!"

Uh, I was really excited a lot of people, uh
Showed up they told me that it
Was a big theater and
I thought that no one would
Come so thank you for
Coming i wanted to, like, take ads out
In the paper like, be   you know, do
Something to a tot so I get in
The New York Post or something uh
The New York post is my favorite newspaper
I think it's great
I read it every day i like
Reading the New York Post because
Reading the New York Post is
Like talking to someone who
Heard the news, and now they're trying to
Give you the gist it’s like, you’d get the
Same amount of information if
You grabbed someone
On the street and you were like
"What happened today?"
And they're like, "There’s a perv in Queens!"
You'd be like, "All right, thank you"

Or rather, it's like someone read a better
Newspaper and now they're trying
To text you everything they can remember
Doesn’t have to be right
Just has to be short i really do love the
Post, I read it a lot and there's a
Hierarchy in the New York Post uh
Different people
That they like and different
People that they don't
Like uh, and if you pay attention
You can start to identify some of
The rankings that they have

Um, the number one thing that you can be
In the eyes of the New York Post
Is an angel an angel is a child
Who has died that is the best
Thing that you can be in the eyes of
The New York Post the less amount
Of time you live, the better… in the
Eyes of the Post after that
Under an angel is a hero a hero is any man
Who does his job you'll a lot of times see
Headlines that are like, "Hero
Tutor Teaches After School
" and you're like "yeah" Down
Towards the bottom of
The spectrum, there are pervs
Pervs touch tots
Tots are angels who haven't died
Yet there are no
Children in the eyes of the New York
Post you're either a tot or you're dead and
You're an angel i did leave one out
Sorry above perv is a bozo a bozo is any man
Who cheats on his wife "That guy's a bozo!"

I remember seeing a headline when Tiger Woods
Cheated on his wife and it
Says, "Tiger says he's sorry, but Elin
Says 'Beat it, bozo!'" No, she did not
She is from another country and even
If she was from this country, no one
Has said "bozo" in 1, 000 years
Who was your source on that
New York Post? Some tiny old lady
That chain smokes all day long?
They met her in a parking garage
And they were like, "Madge
Give us the scoop! What did
Elin say to Tiger?"
"Eh, she told him to 'beat it, bozo'"