John Mulaney - Math and King Solomon lyrics

I wasn't very good in school
When I was younger
And my worst subject was math and I
Went to this grade school where they
Did this thing one year
Where they decided to divide all the kids
Up into two different math groups
Right? Based on your abilities
And the first group that you could be
In was called The Blue Angels
And it was named after the famous
Aviators and the other group was
Called Group 2 yeah, oh
We were a swell bunch
Of kids in Group 2 the best part
Of it is we picked the
Name ourselves the teacher was like, "Hey
What are we gonna call ya, group 2?"
And we were like, "yeah, bingo! You got it
Right there four and five is twelve
And we're done for the day"

I went to a Catholic grade
School when I was younger
And we had to learn
A new Bible story every single week, and
It was this Bible study class
Although it wasn't called Bible
Study class it was
Called Religious Studies we mainly
Studied one religion
There wasn't a lot of like any Hinduism or
Anything in there so you'd learn a
Bible study like backwards and forwards
And then we'd like present on them at the end
Of the week and so a lot of
Them are still burned into my brain, y'know?
Also, there's, like
A lot of weird stuff going on
In there like the story of
King Solomon and the baby do you guys
Remember that one? If you don't
I'll take you through the details:

So in the Bible, King Solomon, he's
Like, the wise king of Israel, and
These two women bring him a baby
And they say, "King Solomon
We both claim that this is our
Baby what are you gonna do?"
And Solomon says, "Well
We will cut the baby down the middle"
And the first woman says, "Oh, okay!"
And the other woman says
"No! Don't cut the baby down the middle"
And King Solomon says to her
"Ah, ha, ha, ha
Congratulations you have proven yourself to
Be the real mother"
A couple things with that: one, who is
This first woman that's like, "yeah
Cut the baby in half that
Sounds like a good idea?"
Like what kind of awful bitch has just
Stolen a ba she stole a
Baby? And then the first time she's
Asked about it, she's like, "Look
I'll take what I can get can I
Get the legs? I'll take the
Legs she can have the top
Part" She is so fucked
Up that she calls the head
The top part secondly
That he knew it was the
Real mother because she
Knows not to cut a baby in half yeah
I think most people would
Come to that conclusion
Like even if I was just
Walking down the street, and there was
Someone about to saw a child in
Half, I would be like
"Hey why don't you not do that?"
And they'd be like, "Oh
You must be the father! Congratulations!
You have passed my test"