John Mulaney - New in Town lyrics

Had a lot of strange interactions
On the street years ago
I was walking down the street and a
Homeless guy came up to me
And he walked up to me and
He pushed me and he
Pushed me like that he pushed me in the
Chest and then he said these things
In this order:
He pushed me and he said, "Excuse me, I
Am homeless, I am gay, I have AIDS
I'm new in town" You're gonna
Close with new in
Town? That is not the most dramatic thing
That you just said As they say in the
Movie Jerry Maguire: "You had me at AIDS"

Here's how I would've ordered those things
I would've said: "Excuse me
I'm new in town and it gets worse"

Didn't that guy like practice his pitch at
All in the mirror that morning
And just figure out what he was
Gonna say, you know, just like
Just like in the morning be like
"All right what'm I gonna do today
What'm I gonna do right? I'll walk up and say
Hello no wait that's too subtle i'm gonna
Push him and I'm gonna say 'I'm new in town'
No, no, hold back hold back, save 'em, build
To that how 'bout I go up to him
And I push him and I go
"I have AIDS" No that's too strong, all
Right i'll walk up to him
I'm gonna push him I will start with the
Fact that I am homeless
As that is a given then for a
Little back story I will pepper in
The fact that I am gay, " which I know
It's tough for gay youths on the street
But that's not like a reason for money
You can't just be like "Can
You help me out? I'm very gay
I'd like a few dollars"

I always love how he phrased it by the way
He didn't say he was living on the streets
He was like "I'm new in
Town" like it was intriguing
Like he wanted me to set him up with somebody
Like I have a friend who's like "There's
No single guys left in Manhattan"
And I'm like "I know someone
Who's new in town"
"What are three other things about him?"