John Mulaney - Old Gay Man lyrics

I have a girlfriend now, uh, myself
Which is weird because I'm
Probably gay based on
The way I act and behave and… have
Walked and talked for 28 years i think
I was supposed to be gay i
Think, like, in Heaven they built, like
Three quarters of a gay person and
Then they forgot to flip the final switch
And they just sent me out and
It was like, "You marked that one gay
Right?"
And it was like, "Oh, no! Was I supposed to?"
And they were like, "Oh man
Well this'll be a very interesting person
This'll be a very silly person"

I was definitely gay when I was a little boy
A lot of little boys are gay you know
They're very flowy and they have
Very hard opinions on things
I don't mean that I was a sexually
Active gay man when I was a
Little boy, that's not what I mean
When I was a little boy, i was more
Like a 67-year-old gay man that's
Kind of over it sexually
You know i was just like an old queen
I would just come out of the recess yard and
Be like, "Everyone get outta my way i just
Wanna sit here and feed my
Birds" The gym teacher would tell me to
Play kickball and I'd be like
"You want me to do what?"

Real quick, this happened pretty recently
I was in a restaurant near here
In the West Village and
I was at the urinal and an old gay man
Came in the bathroom with a walker like
This and he said this to
Me, he went, "I'm either having a
Drink or I have to pee
You're livin' the golden
Years, kid, not me, " Like
He spoke in rhymes, it was crazy it was such
A weird interaction that I
Wasn't sure if it actually
Happened i came out
Of the bathroom and I asked my girlfriend
I was like, "Did you see, like
An old man follow me in the
Bathroom?" and she was like "John
That bathroom's been closed for
Forty years!" Whoa! Whoa!

Where was I? I'm not gay, but I
Might be, and I have a girlfriend
And she's a female person it's going
Very well, I love her very much, and so a few
Months ago she was like
"Okay, it's going well, so now I should meet
Your parents" Because that
What people do when a relationship is
Going well they meet each other's parents
And I've never understood that i've never
Been with my girlfriend and thought like
"Oh, honey, tonight is going great, but do
You know what would make it perfect? Charles
And Ellen Mulaney come on! Let's
Get them in the mix we've been
Going pretty hot and heavy lately
I think it's time we bring
In two older Catholic people"