John Mulaney - Old Murders lyrics
[John Mulaney - Old Murders lyrics]
I also watch this show called Cold Case Files
On Cold Case Files, they solve old murders
And it's really interesting 'cause
What I learned from it is that it was really
Easy to get away with
Murder before they knew about DNA
It was ridiculously easy like
What was even going on back then?
What was a murder investigation like
In 1935? One cop would just
Walk in and be like, "Detective! We found a
Pool of the killer's blood in that hallway!"
And he would just be like, "Hmm… gross!
Mop it up now then
Back to my hunch… Hmm… look
For clues i'll tell
You what we'll do! We'll draw chalk around
Where the body is that way
We'll know where it was"
Also, a couple years ago
I saw this movie called Public
Enemies with Johnny Depp it
Was about old bank robbers
And stuff here's how
Easy it was to get away with
Bank robbery back in the '30s
As long as you weren't still
There when the police arrived
You had a 99% chance of
Getting away with it to
The point that, like, those old bank robbers
They take credit for the bank
Robberies! Like, they come running out of
There and they're like "Ha, ha, ha! And if
Anyone asks, you tell 'em it was Golden Joe
And the Suggins Gang!" And then
They like shoot Suggins into the side
Of the wall it's like, what
Were bullets free back then? And
They don't even disguise themselves
They dress up for the bank
Robbery they're rolling in
There in like big suit's and
Hats like they're going to
Church in Atlanta they make a day of it!
I don't know about that oh-ho-ho! Oh good
It has a mind of it's own that's very
Reassuring no, no, no
No… I don't like robots thinking
Of things i hope you
Don't mind that I dressed up it was my
First communion today so I decided
To come right from
It i was a very good first communicant
On Cold Case Files, they solve old murders
And it's really interesting 'cause
What I learned from it is that it was really
Easy to get away with
Murder before they knew about DNA
It was ridiculously easy like
What was even going on back then?
What was a murder investigation like
In 1935? One cop would just
Walk in and be like, "Detective! We found a
Pool of the killer's blood in that hallway!"
And he would just be like, "Hmm… gross!
Mop it up now then
Back to my hunch… Hmm… look
For clues i'll tell
You what we'll do! We'll draw chalk around
Where the body is that way
We'll know where it was"
Also, a couple years ago
I saw this movie called Public
Enemies with Johnny Depp it
Was about old bank robbers
And stuff here's how
Easy it was to get away with
Bank robbery back in the '30s
As long as you weren't still
There when the police arrived
You had a 99% chance of
Getting away with it to
The point that, like, those old bank robbers
They take credit for the bank
Robberies! Like, they come running out of
There and they're like "Ha, ha, ha! And if
Anyone asks, you tell 'em it was Golden Joe
And the Suggins Gang!" And then
They like shoot Suggins into the side
Of the wall it's like, what
Were bullets free back then? And
They don't even disguise themselves
They dress up for the bank
Robbery they're rolling in
There in like big suit's and
Hats like they're going to
Church in Atlanta they make a day of it!
I don't know about that oh-ho-ho! Oh good
It has a mind of it's own that's very
Reassuring no, no, no
No… I don't like robots thinking
Of things i hope you
Don't mind that I dressed up it was my
First communion today so I decided
To come right from
It i was a very good first communicant