John Mulaney - Quicksand lyrics

Hi, hi, hello! Hi! Hahaha, how are you?
Thank you, that's very nice of you
Thank you thank you
Very much thank you very much
That's so nice of
You, I hope you're having a good week
Thank you for being here!

I uh
I'm doing well myself in a couple days I'm
Going to turn twenty-nine years old and
I'm very excited about that i was hoping, uh
By now that I'd look a bit older
But it didn't happen
I don't look older I just
Look worse, I think honestly
When I'm walking down the street
No one's ever like
"Hey, look at that man!" I
Think they're just like
"Whoa! That tall child looks
Terrible! Get some rest, tall child!
You can't keep burning the candle
At both ends!" You ever
Seen on "America's Most Wanted" when
They age a photo
Of someone? Just take my kindergarten
Photo and yellow the teeth
And put bags under the eyes and be like
"This is what he would look like now"

I was a very nervous kid, I was anxious
All the time when I was younger
But what's nice is that some of the
Things I was anxious about don't bother
Me at all anymore like, uh
I always thought that quicksand was
Going to be a
Much bigger problem than it turned out to
Be because if you watch cartoons
Quicksand is like the third biggest thing you
Have to worry about in adult life
Behind real sticks of dynamite and giant
Anvils falling on you from the
Sky i used to sit around and think about
What to do about quicksand i never
Thought about how to handle real problems in
Adult life, I was never like "Oh
What's it gonna be like when relatives
Ask to borrow money?" Now that
I've gotten older, not only have I never
Stepped in quicksand I've
Never even heard about it! No
One's ever been like
"Hey if you're coming to visit
Take I90 'cause I95 has
A little quicksand in the middle
Looks like regular sand
But then you're gonna start to sink into it"