John Mulaney - Saturday Night Live (Opening Monologue) lyrics

Thank you, thank you, thank you very much
It is great to be here
Hosting "Saturday Night Live"
That is a very weird thing to say
I was a writer here for five years
Some of the best years of my life
And to be hosting here is just surreal
I mean, I used to write monologues for
The hosts, now I’m up here
I get to give the monologue
I get to introduce the musical guest
I mean, that’s incredible
The best intro, by the way
I ever saw of an "SNL" host with
A musical best was sir Patrick Stewart
And he was introducing the musical guest
And this is how he did it
He went, "ladies and gentlemen, Salt-N-Pepa!"
Like like he was surprised by Pepa
Like minutes before they’d been like
"we can’t find Pepa anywhere"
And he’s like "if we must
Go on with Salt alone
We will go on with salt alone!"
They’re like, "three, two, one
" and Pepa burst through
The door, and he’s like
"ladies and gentlemen
Salt and what’s this? Pepa!"
It was the best time it was an innocent time
You know?
When I was younger I thought the world
Was going to be simple and nice
But now at the end of my life
I’m not so sure
I’m getting grumpy which I don’t like
Like I don’t like any new songs
I don’t like any new songs
Because every new song is about
How tonight is the night
And how we only have tonight
That’s the message in 90% of songs
That’s such 19-year-old garbage
I want to write songs for people in
Their 30s called "tonight’s no good
How about Wednesday?
Oh, you’re in Houston on Wednesday, okay
Then let’s
Not see each other for six months
And it doesn’t matter at all"
I try to stay polite
I’m overly polite, apparently, my wife says
When my wife and I walk down the street
We have totally different styles
When she walks down the street
She does not care what anyone thinks
About her in any situation she’s my hero
When I walk down the street
I need everyone to like me so much
It’s exhausting
My wife said that walking around
With me was like walking
Around with someone who’s running
For mayor of nothing
People ask us if we’re going to
Have children we don’t have any
So we say, no they go
"never? You’re never going to have kids?"
I’m like, I don’t know never
Look 14 Years ago I smoked cocaine
The night before my college graduation
Now I’m afraid to get a flu shot

Strange the passage of time
I like old-fashioned things, you know?
I was in Connecticut recently
Doing white people stuff

One day in Connecticut it doesn’t matter why
But I was sitting in a gazebo
And there was a plaque on the gazebo
And it said this gazebo was built
By the town in 1863
That’s in the middle of the Civil
War and they built a gazebo
How did that town meeting work?
They were like, all right
First order of business
We have all the telegrams from
Gettysburg with the war dead
Let’s see here, everyone’s husband and
Brother and everyone died, okay
Josiah, you had something?
Yes, I do how’d you like to be indoors
And out of doors all at once?
Ever walking through the park with
Your betrothed and it starts
To rain but you still want to hold hands?

Building a gazebo during the Civil War would
Be like doing standup comedy now
They used to do weird, slow
Leisurely activities in the old days
Because they didn’t have enough
To do so they had to fill the day
You woke up back then, oh, god
It’s the old days
I’ve got to wear all those layers
We’ve got to think of weird
Slow activities to fill the time
And they did have you ever seen
Like old film from the past?
Of people just like waving at a ship?
What if I called you now to do that?
Hey, what are you doing Monday
There’s a Norwegian cruise
Line leaving for Martinique around 10: 00 am
Here’s my plan you and I get very dressed up
Including hats
And we wave handkerchiefs at the ship
Till it disappears over the horizon
No, I don’t know anyone on the ship
Everything is fast now and
It’s totally unreasonable
The world is run by computers
The world is run by robots
And sometimes they ask us if we’re a robot
Just because we’re trying to logon
And look at our own
Stuff multiple times a day may
I see my stuff, please,? Huh i smell a robot
Prove, prove! Prove you’re not a robot
Look at these curvy letters!
Much curvier than most letters
Wouldn’t you say?
No robot could ever read these!
You look mortal if need be
You look and you type what you think you see
Is it an "e"? Or is it a "3"? That’s a "p"
The passwords have passed
You’ve correctly guessed
But now it’s time for the robot test!
I devised a question no
Robot could ever answer

What? You spend a lot of your day telling
A robot that you’re not a robot
Think about that for two minutes and tell me
You don’t want to walk into the ocean
Ladies and gentlemen
We have a great show for you
Jack White is here