John Mulaney - Sometimes Babies Will Point At Me lyrics

I didn’t mean to make it sound like
We don’t want children we don’t
But I didn’t mean to make it
Sound like that see
I just don’t think babies like
Me very much sometimes babies
Will point at me
And I don’t care for that shit at
All like, I’ll be on an elevator
And a baby will be
There in it's big, like, stroller
Activity tray, just, like, working on
One Cheerio with Bobby
Fischer-like intensity and
It’ll look up at me and go… I like to lean
In and go, "Stop snitchin’
Motherfucker" And then walk off
‘Cause you’re never too
Young to learn our national
No-snitching policy my
Friends have babies and I don’t do so
Well with them i had a run-in
With a two-year-old girl i know there
Are better ways to start
That story, but… My friend, Jeremy
Has this two-year-old girl
And I really like
Her she’s a sweet kid i really
Like his daughter a lot but
I was over at his family’s house
For the Fourth of July
And he had his daughter on his
Knee and it was a
Very lovely day his whole extended family was
There and he was bouncing his two-year-old
Up and down, and he pointed at me
And he said to his two-year-old
"Do you know
Who that is? That’s your Uncle John"
And I was like, "Oh, my God that’s so
Sweet i’m her Uncle John" And then the
Baby pointed at me and said, "Uncle John has
A penis" I thank you for laughing, because no
One did that day! Fell deadly silent
Is what they all did hey do you
Know what you’re supposed to say when
A baby points at you
And knowingly says, "He has a
Penis"? No, I’m asking
’cause I don’t know what to
Say in that situation
Here’s what I went with that day i
Said, "Oh
Come on!" I don’t know i thought that’d
Be good but then it just made it worse
’cause it sounded like the baby and
I had an arrangement not to
Talk about it, and she had violated my
Trust like, the baby had been like, "Do
You have a penis?" And I was like
"Yes, I do, but you’re a baby
So discretion is key" And then
The next day she goes
"He has a penis, " and I go, "Oh
Come on! Someone can’t keep a secret!"
Luckily, Jeremy’s wife saved the day the
Baby’s mom saved the day she
Came in and she picked up the
Baby, and she was like
"It’s okay she’s just going through that
Phase where she says penis
And vagina a lot" Aren’t we
All? And, by the way, it would’ve
Been a totally different situation if the
Baby had said vagina like
If a grown woman had walked in
The room, and the baby had been
Like, "She has a vagina, " the woman could
Be like, "Yes, I do, and it’s magnificent"
And we would all be like
"Hooray! You are brave!" No one wants to
Applaud the penis of a 32-year-old weirdo