John Mulaney - Special Victims and Ice-T lyrics

I don't mean to complain about
Censorship at all though
Because as you probably have seen by now
You can basically say whatever you want
On television it's ridiculous you can
Say anything you want and if
You don't believe me
You should watch a little
Program called Law & Order:
Special Victims Unit
Yeah a show that I love
Because on that show you can
Say the grossest things
You've ever heard in your life no
You can't say like the 'f-word, ' you can't
Say that on Special Victims Unit, but people
Walk around on SVU going like
"Looks like the victim had
Anal contusions yo
Looks like we found semen and fecal matter
In the victim's ear canal" Those are
Two real things that I heard on Law &
Order: SVU at 3 in the afternoon
Both spoken by Ice T ice T
Is a detective with the
Special victims unit he handles New
York's most sensitive cases

I love Ice T on SVU he is fantastic
He's awesome what's so great about
Him is that he's been with the SVU
For like, mmm, 11 years now
But he still treats every case like it's his
First, in terms of total confusion
Sometimes they'll be in
The middle of an investigation and Ice T will
Be like, "Yo
You telling me this dude gets off
On little girls with pigtails?"
It's like, "yeah
Ice he's a pedophile you work
In the sex crimes
Division you're gonna have to
Get used to that"

You know how they try and tie in, like
Current events to every episode of SVU?
So there was this episode I saw a
While ago that was about sex addiction
'cause a lot of celebrities have come out as
Sex addicts so the episode's about
Sex addiction there is a
Scene in the episode where
The other detectives are
Trying to teach Ice T what sex addiction is
And
It takes a couple of minutes and finally
Ice T gets it, and they cut to him in
This close-up and he goes, "Oh
I get it you mean like
When someone drinks too much
Or snorts cocaine, or bets
The house on the ponies?" I was like
"yeah you
Got it, man" And I was psyched that Ice T
Understood so that they could
Continue with the investigation, but
I could've watched another four hours
Of Ice T just
Naming examples just that close-up
And Ice T like
"Or like when some smokes too
Many cigarettes? Or like when
Someone shops too much with credit
Cards? Or like when
Someone plays too many scratchy lotteries?
Or like when someone
Eats too much chocolate cake?
Or like when someone
Eats too much chocolate cake and
Then barfs it up?" And
He would just keep talking
And it would slowly
Fade out and say "Executive Producer:
Dick Wolf" That'd be
My ideal episode that'd be a good one

I saw this SVU a little while ago
I saw this episode of SVU
And Dean Cain was a rapist… on the
Show and there was a scene
Where they do a line-up with Dean
Cain and four other guys
And they bring in this woman who's
Gonna look at the line-up
And it's her behind the glass and they
Open the curtain and she's standing
With the two other detectives and I knew she
Wasn't gonna say this
But part of me was hoping
She would just be like
"Is that… Dean Cain? Fucking Dean
Cain? That's pretty cool"