John Mulaney - Stranger Danger lyrics

The greatest assembly of them all, once
A year, Stranger Danger yeah
The hottest ticket in town the Bruno
Mars of assemblies you are gathered
Together as a school and you
Are told never to talk
To an adult that you don’t know
And you are told this
By an adult that you don’t
Know we had the same
Stranger Danger speaker every year when
I was a kid
His name was Detective JJ Bittenbinder
Go ahead and laugh his
Name is ridiculous that was his name it was
JJ Bittenbinder he was from
The Chicago Police
Department he was a child homicide expert
And… Oh, gee very sorry, Radio City
Did that make you uncomfortable? Well
Guess what? You’re adults and he’s not
Even here so try being
Seven years old and you’re sitting
Five feet away from
Him he’s still got blood on
His shoes and he’s looking
At you in the eye to tell you for the
First time in your very young life that some
Adults find you incredibly
Attractive and they
May just have to kill you over it
Okay, c’est la vie, go be kids
Go have fun bittenbinder came every year
By the way
Detective JJ Bittenbinder wore three-piece
Suit's he also wore
A pocket watch two years in a
Row, he wore a cowboy hat he also had
A huge handlebar mustache none
Of that matters
But it’s important to me that
You know that he did not look like
His job description he looked like
He should be the conductor on a
Locomotive powered by confetti but, instead
He made his living in murder he
Was the weirdest goddamn person I
Ever saw in my entire life he was a man most
Acquainted with misery he could
Look at a child and guess the price of their
Coffin that line never
Gets a laugh but once you write it
It stays in the act forever

So Bittenbinder came every year with a
Program to teach us about
The violent world waiting for us
Outside the school gym
And that program was called Street
Smarts! "Time for Street
Smarts with Detective JJ Bittenbinder
Shut up! You’re all
Gonna die street Smarts!" That was
The general tone he
Would give us tips to deal with crime

I will share some of the tips
With you this evening "Okay
Tip number one street Smarts! Let’s say a
Guy pulls a knife on you
To mug you" You remember the scourge
Of muggings when you were in
Second and third grade you know
How a mugger thinks "Man
I need cash for drugs right now hey
Maybe that eight-year-old with
The goddamn Aladdin
Wallet that only has blank photo laminate
Pages in it will be able
To help" "Let’s say a guy pulls a
Knife on you to mug you
What do you do? You go fumbling
For your wallet and you go
Fumbling for your wallet well
In that split-second
That’s when he’s going to stab
You so here’s what
You do you kids get yourselves a money clip
Okay, you can get these at any haberdashery
You put a $50 bill in
The money clip then when a guy
Flashes a blade, you go, ‘You want my money
Go get it!’ Then you run the other
Direction" And our teachers were like
"Write that down" We’re like, "Buy a money
Clip engraved, question mark?" You go
Home to your parents "Hey, dad can
I have a silver money clip with
A $50 bill in it
Please,? Don’t worry i’m only going to chuck it into the gutter and run away at the first sign of trouble the man with the mustache told me to do it"

"Tip number three street Smarts!
You kids have no upper body strength" And we
Were like, "We know but, hey" "If
Some guy tries to grab you
You can’t fight him with fists
So here’s what you
Do you kids fall down on your back and
You kick upward at him that’ll
Throw him off his rhythm" That was a big
Thing with Bittenbinder
Throwing pedophiles off their rhythm
"He’s not gonna know how to fight
Back with two little sneakers
Coming at him if the Lindbergh
Baby had steel-toe boots
He’d still be alive today street Smarts!"

Bittenbinder told me things that
Haunt me to this
Day he came one year for assembly he
Goes, "Okay, when you get kidnapped…" Not if
When "Okay, so when you get kidnapped
The place where the guy grabs ya
In the biz we call that the primary
Location okay your odds of coming back
Alive from the primary location
About 60% but, if
You are taken to a secondary location
Your odds of coming back alive are
Slim to none" I am 35 years old and I am
Still terrified of secondary
Locations if I’m at a place
I never want to go to another place i’ll
Be at a wedding reception and someone’ll be
Like, "You coming to the hotel
Bar after? We’re all gonna
Get drinks and keep the party
Going" I’m like, "Nah, sister you’re
Not getting me to no secondary location
You want it? Go get
It!" Street Smarts! Stay alert out
There i thought I was
Going to be murdered my entire childhood
In high school people were
Like, "What are your top three
Colleges?" I was like
"Top three colleges? I thought I would
Be dead in a trunk
With my hand hanging out of
The taillight by now"