John Mulaney - Taking Care of Myself lyrics

I'm feeling good tonight though
I got a massage recently went to a spa
To get a massage i went into
The room to get the massage and the
Woman there told me to undress
To my comfort level those were her words
She said, "I'm gonna leave the room
You undress
To your comfort level" So I put on a
Sweater and a pair of corduroy pants
And I felt safe

I'm trying to, in general
Take better care of myself i'm trying to
Stop smoking i've smoked since I was
13 years old i started when I was
13 years old 'cause I stole
2 cigarettes from my older sister and I hid
Them in a shoe box under my bed
With a copy of Cosmopolitan Magazine and one
Day, my mom cleaned under my bed
And she found the shoe box i came home from
School and my mom was standing there holding
It and she said
"Hey mister! I found your treasure!" And
I never liked the way she
Phrased that, you know, 'cause that made me
Sound like the world's lamest pirate like
A guy who's treasure chest is
Two cigarettes and a
Woman's magazine and my dad
Came home from work
And my mom told my dad that
She had cleaned under my
Bed and found a shoe box
With two cigarettes and
A Cosmopolitan to which prompted
My dad to ask, "How does John know how
To make a cosmopolitan?"

I'm trying to eat better i was out
To lunch with a friend and
I got a chicken sandwich and the
Waitress said to me, "Oh
You're getting a chicken sandwich!
Well that comes with a choice of either
Salad or fries" Those were the choices 
 salad or fries, the two most different foods
In the universe that's like saying
"What kinda day do you wanna have? Do you
Wanna be active and go to
The bathroom and stuff, or do you wanna lay
On the floor moaning?" "Oh, you're getting
A chicken sandwich? Well with that
You can either go for a jog
Or smoke crack cocaine" "Oh, huh, well… if I
Get a plate of crack for the table
Would you have some? You'd have crack if I
Got a plate of crack? yeah, okay
Yeah we'll take an order of crack"

Sometimes when people order fries
They act like
It's a little adventure they'll be like
"Should we get a plate of fries for
The table? Should we do it? Should
We-should we share some fries?"
They gotta make sure that everyone's
On board with it
It's like, "If I get fries
You'll have a couple
Right? If I get fries for the table
You'll have  i know
You'll have fries if I get
Fries  should we do it?
Yeah, let's be bad! C'mon, let's
Do it, all right
We're gonna take a plate of
Fries!" It's like a
Group of couples agreeing to
Do ecstasy together