John Mulaney - Ted and the 20 Person Plane lyrics

I am getting tired of traveling a
Little bit because you have
To fly when you're coming out
To the West Coast
Big airlines will mess with you
In so many different ways
Sometimes they’ll try and pawn you
Off on their little
Junior airline i once got
On a United flight and the pilot
Got over the loudspeaker and was
Like, "Today's United flight is being
Operated by our junior airline
Ted" Who the fuck is Ted? I
Went to high school with
A guy named Ted and it better not be him
Because he is addicted to Oxycontin

So I don't like big airlines no
One does guess who I
Also don’t like? Small airlines very
Scary, the small airline, you know? A
Couple months ago I got to fly
Out of a small airport in
Quincy, Illinois, jealous? And I got
On a 20-person plane now
You think you would trust
A small plane more because it weighs
Less and flying is a war
Against gravity, but I got on this
Plane, and I was like, "Holy shit!
If this thing crashes, it won't
Even be on the news, or it
Will be but real quick, just like
A small plane crashed today, obviously"