John Mulaney - The Comeback Kid lyrics

This has been a real thrill to perform here
By the way i just
Wanna say that in all sincerity thanks
For coming to this really
Really appreciate it

I wanna tell you one more story
Before I get out of here
About the night I met a guy
Named Bill Clinton now
I don’t… Some of you know
Who that is? For those of you that don’t, he
Was President of the United States
From 1993 until 2001, and he is a smooth and
Fantastic hillbilly who should
Be declared Emperor of the United
States of America now
I know you know who Bill Clinton is but
I was doing a show at a
College, and I mentioned Bill
Clinton, and, like


They kind of didn’t know who he was
Like, sorry, they knew the name, right? But
They only knew this 2015 Bill Clinton
Who’s a very different Bill Clinton have
You seen his ass lately?
What the hell is he trying to pull? He’s all
Thin now, and he wears
These little tight suit's, and he’s got
These grandpa reading glasses, like, "Hey
I can’t do nothing to
Nobody no more" "Oh, me? I’m just an old
Old man i don’t have the appetites"
You know? And he’s always
Flying around the world with Bill
Gates trying to cure AIDS
That is not the Bill Clinton
That we all signed
Up for 20 years ago our Bill Clinton was
Like a big
Fat Buddy Garrity from Friday Night
Lights-looking guy, who played the
Saxophone on Arsenio, and his work in the
STD community was not in curing
Anything at that time that
Was the man we all elected president that was
The Bill Clinton that I met i got to meet
Bill Clinton when he was
Governor Clinton in 1992
When he was first running for president
And I got to meet Bill Clinton
Because my parents had gone
To the same college as Bill
Clinton they’re a little younger, but
They went to the same college so
When he was first running
For president, he would have all
These big, like, alumni fundraisers
And everyone who went was invited to go now
This was really cool for a
Couple reasons one, I got to
Meet Bill Clinton but two
I got to watch my parents watch
Someone they went to school
With become the president and that
Is super funny to see
’cause think about some of
The people you went
To school with now imagine they’re becoming
The president imagine Sam was
Becoming the president
It would stir up strong emotions

And my parents had very different opinions on
Bill Clinton my mom loved Bill
Clinton, ’cause Bill Clinton was always a
Really charismatic, handsome guy i mean
Think about how many women he got
In the 1990s when he
Looked like Frank Caliendo doing John
Madden now… imagine him
As a college student and my
Mom tells me that there
Was this sort of chivalrous
Policy on campus back
Then, where, late at night, if female
Students were leaving the
Library unaccompanied
Male students were encouraged
To wait out in front and offer to walk
Them home that sounds good, right? So, my
Mom tells me that Bill Clinton would be out
In front of the library every single night
Just being like, "Hey, can I walk ya home?
Hey, can I walk ya home? Hey, can
I walk ya home? Hey, can I
Walk ya home?" And one night
My mom was leaving the library, and
Bill Clinton was like, "Hey
Can I walk ya home?" And
My mom was like, "Hell, yes" So… This is
Absolutely true my mom, little Ellen Stanton
Walked arm-in-arm with Bill Clinton
To her dorm and she was like, "You know
I wanted to invite him up for
A beer" And I was like, "Thanks, I’m
Nine" But… her roommate was upstairs
So she lost
Her chance with Bill Clinton now, my dad
On the other hand, hated Bill Clinton
Because my parents were dating during this
Time and also
My dad’s a much more morally-upright
Conservative kind of
Guy he always told me that he hated it
In college that Bill Clinton could, quote
"Get away with anything" Can you
Imagine how he felt later?

So, one day
This invitation arrives for a fundraiser
Where you could meet
Bill Clinton my mom opens it
First and she goes, "Oh
We have to go we have to
Go see Bill" And without looking
Up at her, my dad just says
"Why? It’s not like he’s gonna remember
You" One black coffee same
Motherfucker so, my mom says
"Fine! I’ll go and
I’ll take John" And I was like, "Hell
Yeah" And I slid in the room
In my First Communion suit
Ready to go ‘Cause
I loved Bill Clinton i was
Ten years old if you were a kid
When Bill Clinton was first released
It was the most exciting thing
Ever we’d never seen a
Cool politician before and he
Would go on MTV, and he’d
Have cool answers to kids’
Questions they’d be like
"Governor, what’s your favorite food?"
And he’d be like, "I
Don’t know, fries?" And we’d be like, "Yay
We eat fries!" I learned to play his campaign
Song on the piano it was "Don’t Stop"
By Fleetwood Mac… from Rumours
An album written by and for
People cheating on each other
He let us know who he was right
Away so, I went with my mom
As her date… to reconnect with Governor
Bill Clinton we walked into the
Ballroom it was a big hotel
Ballroom it was the Palmer
House Hilton, big Hilton hotel ballroom
Walked into the ballroom, it
Was packed with people it’s actually
The ballroom from the end
Of the movie The Fugitive, remember?
So, that ballroom so, my mom and I walk in
It’s packed with people, the
Sorry, the end where Harrison Ford
As Dr richard Kimble
Bursts in to confront Dr charles
Nichols, right? Okay so
That ballroom so, my mom and I walk in
It’s packed with people
Why does Kimble confront Nichols? Well
I know we all
Know this, but… No, no but, but, but… Kimble
He found out that Nichols, along with Devlin
MacGregor and Lentz, who has mysteriously
Died, they had hired Frederick
Sykes, the one-armed man
To kill Kimble kimble’s wife wasn’t even
The target i know we all
Know this but they were gonna
Kill Kimble because he wasn’t
Gonna approve certain liver samples
To pass RUD-90 so, kimble
Finds out about all of this, and, of course
He’s furious
And he bursts into the ballroom and he goes
"You switched
The samples!" And Dr nichols is
Like, "Ladies and gentlemen, my
Friend, Dr richard Kimble" What accent
Did that guy have, by
The way? He goes
"You switched the samples! And you doctored
Your research! So that you
Could have Provasic!" Anyway
So it’s that ballroom so
We walk into that ballroom it
Was packed with people
It was packed with people a real Who’s Not
Of Chicago celebrities walter Jacobson was
There walter Jacobson was
The local Fox anchor he’d do fun things
Where he’d go undercover as a homeless
Person and he’d be like, "Oh
What time is the soup?" And they’d be
Like, "Man, you’re Walter Jacobson" He was
There everybody and on the far side of the
Ballroom, under a spotlight
We saw a little bit of silver
Hair and it was him… Bill
Clinton the Comeback Kid but he was
Surrounded by reporters, and photographers
And Secret
Service so, what are you gonna do?
Well, if you’re my mom
You ball up the back of my sport coat
And you push me
Forward like a human shield and then
You start jogging while yelling
"This ten-year-old boy has to meet
The next president of the
United States!" Kind of implying
That I might be
Dying my feet were not on the ground she was
Swinging me like a snowplow i was just mowing
Down fat Chicago Democrats i pushed
Past all the reporters
I pushed past all the photographers
We pushed past all the
Secret Service we land at Bill
Clinton’s feet bill Clinton
Turns, looks at my mom and says, "Hey, Ellen
" ’cause he never forgets
A bitch, ever my mom melts she goes, "Hi
Bill" Then it is revealed that she has
No plan so… she pushes me
Towards Clinton and she goes, "This
Is my son, John, and
He’s also going to be president"
And I was like
"What the hell are you talking
About? I’m not gonna
Be president" And I know
Now that I’m definitely
Never gonna be president not
Unless everyone gets real
Cool about a bunch of stuff really quickly

Based on my ten-year-old memory
Bill Clinton is about 13
Feet tall and he leaned down, because, well
I was wearing this button that I bought
Outside the fundraiser it
Was a cartoon button of George H w bush
And it had a quail flying
Over his head, and it was shitting
On his head and it said
"Bird-brained" And I thought it was
Very funny and Bill
Clinton leaned down so that only
I could hear and he
Said, "Hey, man, I like your
Button" And I said, "You
Can do whatever you want forever" And
He took my advice and
It was the best night of my entire life and I
Got home that night… I got home that night
And my dad was still awake, like, reading
Angry under one lamp, just
Like… And I went up to him and I went
"Hey! I’m gonna be a Democrat" "And
I’m gonna vote for Bill Clinton"
And without looking up at me
My dad just said, "You
Have the moral backbone of a
Chocolate éclair" You know
How you talk to a child
So, here’s the end of that
Story that was 1992
Let’s flash forward five years to
1997 it is now
1997 i am a sophomore in high school
Bill Clinton is in his
Second term as president
And on the morning that the Monica
Lewinsky scandal breaks on the cover
Of The New York Times it had
Been on the Drudge Report
And then it was on the
Cover of The New York Times that morning
I wake up to the newspaper
Hitting me in the face i am
A teenager asleep in bed, and the newspaper
Hit's me in the face and falls open
On my stomach and I open my
Eyes to see my dad standing there
Dressed for work, and he says
"The other shoe just dropped" And then my
Dad went in to work to
Find out that his law firm had
Been hired to defend Bill Clinton

Good night, Chicago