John Mulaney - The Mayor of Nothing lyrics

She and I have totally different styles when
My wife walks down the street
She does not give a shit what anyone
Thinks of her in any situation
She’s my hero when I
Walk down the street, I need
Everybody, all day long
To like me so much it’s exhausting my
Wife said that walking around with me
Is like walking around with someone who’s
Running for mayor of nothing my
Wife and I went to Best Buy to get
A TV we didn’t end up getting the
TV i was afraid that the Best Buy guy
Was going to be mad at me, so I bought
An HDMI cable i go to the register
With Anna, my wife’s name Anna
She’s standing next to
Me, I hand the guy the HDMI cable he
Takes it, he scans it, he says
"Do you have a Best Buy
Rewards card?" And I said, "No, I
Wish!" And then my wife said
"Jesus Christ!" And fully walked
Away from me walked
All the way to the laser printers and
Just stood there
Blair Witch style and I’m still up
At the register like… And
The guy goes, "Do you want a Best
Buy Rewards card?" And I said
"No" Even though I had just said it
Was my greatest wish in life i
Was hoping he’d believe me
That it was secretly my great wish but that
I’m in an abusive marriage with little Miss
Jesus Christ over here so I can’t ask
For the things I want in public
But at home, at night, we argue
About it and I’m like
"You’ll see! One day I’m going
To leave you and I’m going to get that
Best Buy Rewards card" She’s
Like, "Jesus Christ
You’re never going to get that
Best Buy Rewards card!"