John Mulaney - The One Thing You Can't Replace lyrics

Another story I heard about myself
This one happened in high school
We had this teacher
In high school whose kid went to our
High school his name was Mr mcNamara and his
Son Jake McNamara went to our high
School he was a sophomore
When I was a senior so he was
Two years behind me and Mr mcNamara
Was an asshole and one weekend
He and his wife decided to leave town, which
You should never do
If you're an asshole and Jake McNamara
Decided to throw a party
At the teacher's house hooray! And
Everyone around town heard about
It and we all got up
Individually and thought, "Okay
Let's go over there and destroy the
Place" I walked into this party
Everyone I had ever met was
There and everyone was drinking
Like it was the end of the
World people were drinking like
It was the Civil War and
A doctor was coming to
Saw our legs off it was
Totally unsupervised we were like
Dogs without horses, we were running
Wild i walked down
I walked down to the basement they had a
Pool table in the basement one dude
Took a running start and threw his body
Onto the pool table and broke
It in half another kid found out which
Room was Mr mcNamara's and went upstairs
And took a shit on his computer
So the party was going great

I'm standing in the basement
And I'm holding a red cup
You've seen movies and
I'm standing there and I'm holding a red cup
And I'm starting to black out and
I guess someone said like
"Something, something police" and in a
Brilliant moment of word association
I yelled: "Fuck da police! Fuck da police!"
And everyone else joined in a hundred
Drunk white children yelling "Fuck
Da police" with
The confidence of guys who have
Already been to jail and aren't afraid of
It anymore, you know that like
"I'll serve my nickel, you come and take
Me!" confidence but white
Children the reason someone
Had said something
Something police was because the
Police were there so a Chicago
Police officer walked down
The stairs and got to the bottom in the
Basement and looked out over a sea of drunk
Toddlers yelling "Fuck the police!"
In his face, but he was almost impressed

He was like "Wow
" and then he leaned into his walkie
Talkie and went "Get the paddy-wagon"
And my friend John
Who is now a father, this man now has a baby
He grabbed a 40, smashed it on the ground
And yelled "Scatter!" And everyone
Ran into different
Directions we all ran in different
Directions it was like that scene in
Ratatouille when the humans come
In the kitchen and all the rats
Go in different ways we all
Ran in different directions i ran into
The laundry room and I
Jumped up on the washing machine and
I crawled out through a window
Into the backyard and now I'm running
Through the backyard and there
Was this big chain link fence and
I thought "I've never climbed a
Fence that high before" And then
I woke up at home

On Monday
I went to school because that's what we did
Back then and I'm walking into the
School building and who do I see but Jake
McNamara and he says to me, "Hey
Were you at my party
On Saturday?" And I said "No, " you know
Like a liar and he said
"Things got really outta
Hand someone broke the pool table
Someone took a shit
On my dad's computer but the worst thing
" he says "the worst thing is
That someone stole these old antique
Photos of my grandmother and my parents
Are freaking out about it"

And I had that thought that only blackout
Drunks and Steve Urkel can have
"Did I do that?"
I figured no i wouldn't have done that but
I was never sure, until two years later
Relax i'm playing video games with this
Kid named Alex that we also went to
High school with two years later
We've graduated by now we're playing video
Games for a couple hours, and
Then Alex says to me
"Hey, come here I want to show you something
" and he takes me into his
Bedroom and then he takes
Me into a side room off of his bedroom never
A good thing to have he shows me a tiny room
That is covered wall to
Wall in stolen antique
Photos from different people's parties over
The years and I said
"Why? Why do you do this?" And Alex said
"Because it's the one thing you can't
Replace" That's the end
Of that story, but how fucked up is that
Right? That's crazy so I don't drink anymore