John Mulaney - The Salt and Pepper Diner lyrics

I wanna tell you one story
Uh this- this was the best meal I've ever had
In my life, alright? This happened when I
Was eleven years old in Chicago
Illinois where I grew up and it
Took place at a little restaurant called
The Salt and Pepper Diner
Which was a family restaurant in the
City yes, yes, you know the Salt and Pepper
Diner? It's a wonderful family
Restaurant in Chicago
Which means that it caters mainly
To teenagers and homeless schizophrenics

Now I go into this place one day
When I'm eleven with my best
Friend John now I should say that
His name is also John
I'm not calling myself my own
Best friend it's a
Separate human being we walk into the
Salt and Pepper diner one day
And they had a jukebox
There, alright? And the jukebox
Was three plays for
A dollar, so we put in seven dollars
And selected twenty-one plays of
Tom Jones' "What's New
Pussycat?" And then we ordered and waited

Here's the thing about when "What's New
Pussycat?" plays over and over and
Over and over and over again
The second time it plays, your
Immediate thought is not
"Hey someone's playing
'What's New Pussycat' again" It's, "Hey
'What's New Pussycat' is a lot
Longer than I first thought
And it has like a dip in the
Middle" You know how some songs have
A dip, like Guns n' Roses'
"November Rain?" You're like, "Hey
'November Rain's'
Over!" No it's not there's more
The third time it plays
You're thinking maybe someone's playing
"What's New Pussycat"
Again the fourth time it
Plays you're thinking
"Whoa someone just played 'What's
New Pussycat' four
Times, or at least someone played it twice
And it's a really long song" So
The fifth time is the kicker now
We're watching the entire diner at this point
Most people have gotten wind as
To what's going on
And we're staring at this one guy and
He's sitting in his booth and his like
Hand is shaking while his stupid
Kids jump around and like he's been
On to us since the beginning
And he's staring at his coffee
Cup like this and
He has this look on his face like ah-
Like he just got his thirty day chip
From anger management he's staring like this
And the
Fourth play fades out it's dead quiet
And then, I don't know if you know this
But the song begins very subtly: "Bwah-bwa
What's New Pussycat?" and the guy goes, "God
Dammit" and he pounds on the table
And silverware flies everywhere and
It was fantastic

But a word about my friend John, and
What a genius he was because
When we were first up at the jukebox and
We were punching in the What's New Pussycats
Alright? I'd punched
In about seven, and then John
Says to me, "Hey
Hey hey wait before we drop in another What's
New Pussycat let's put in one 'It's
Not Unusual'" And that is when the afternoon
Went from good to great after seven
"What's New Pussycat"s in a row
Suddenly, "Dum, da na, dum
Da na na na na na, It's not unusual
" and the sigh of relief has swept through
The diner people were ecstatic it was like
The liberation of France you know
For years, scientists have wondered
Can you make grown men and women weep
Tears of joy by playing Tom Jones' "It's Not
Unusual"? And the answer is yes, you can
As long as it is preceded
By seven "What's New Pussycat"s

And on the other hand
When we went back holy shit
"It's Not Unusual" fades
Out it's dead quiet: "Bwah-bwa
What's New Pussycat?" People
Went fucking insane no one could handle
It no one could handle
It, and they were surrounded by
Like this seemingly indifferent staff, you
Know, that was just like, "Yep
Same shit as always" My only wish is that one
Of the schizophrenics had stood up and been
Like, "Now you know now you know
What it's like to live
In my brain" They unplug the
Jukebox after eleven plays
And that was the best meal I've ever had

Thank you very much, San
Francisco this was great
Thank you hope to see you again real soon
My name's John Mulaney have a good night
Let's give it up for John Mulaney!