John Mulaney - The Xanax Story lyrics

Just too anxious for a lot of things
I get nervous all the time, not even about
Like major life things just
About like everyday situations
Like this is my regular speaking voice
But if I'm in a pubic bathroom and someone
Knocks too suddenly
On the door or stall door, i go into a whole
Different speaking voice which is, "Eh
Someone's in here
Someone's in here" so they're gonna be like
"I think there is a carnival
Barker in there i think
Someone's trying to drum up
Business for a carnival"

I decided to do something
About this anxiety recently
I decided I was gonna try and
Get a Xanax prescription I don't know if
Anyone here has ever tried Xanax, but it's
Fantastic very muted claps for Xanax
You don't really get woo's
It's more like yeah i
Didn't know how to get a Xanax prescription
Though drugs like that a tricky sometimes
But I talked to
A friend of mine and he said oh yeah
I did this he said that he had a
Regular doctor's appointment and at
The end of it
He said to his doctor, "Hey doctor
Sometimes I get nervous on
Airplanes" And the doctor
Just wrote him a Xanax prescription and I'm
Like yeah, that's the type of lowbrow shit
I'm looking for i'll take your advice
Friend I've never listened to before

So I go to a clinic, and I go in and
I'm just going to go in for, you know, a
Regular type of check-up and at the end
I'll ask
About Xanax so I get to the front desk
And they have a "Why are you here
Sheet" And I wanna pick something that
Will get me out really quickly
And I look down
And I see frequent urination and I was like
Perfect that'll be a super quick visit you
Know? I'll just be like, "Hey
Sometimes I pee a lot, " and the
Doctor would be like, "Me too, crazy
Right?" And I'll be like
"I get nervous on airplanes"
So I checked off frequent urination and I
Sat down in the waiting area
And I waited for 3 hours i
Finally go back to the observation
Room, and oh- In the observation room there
Was a male nurse standing there
And he has a Batman sticker on
His stethoscope, a Batman necklace
And a Batman
Watch he was kind of moving around the
Whole time he was just like
"Alright! I am too blessed to be stressed!
Let's do it! What are you allergic to
Besides work?" And then he'd take something
And throw it over his
Shoulder and be like, "Beats working" And
All of his jokes were anti-work
Which is not always what you want
From a health care professional

The doctor comes in the room
And the doctor looks at my
Chart and he says: "Oh, you're
Here for frequent urination
How many times a day are you urinating?"
And I tried to think of a
Number that would warrant a doctor visit
So I said 11 that was
Too many times to say the doctor
Looked at me and said
"You're peeing 11 times a day? Then
You may have something wrong with
Your prostate so
What we need to do…" Some of you are ahead
Of me so I don't know
Exactly how he phrased it, but the
Gist of it was, "Hey if
This visit was to continue
I'm going to stick part of my hand
Up your ass" And I didn't know what to say
'Cause, I couldn't be like, "No that's okay
I was lying it was a lie
To get drugs you know? Like
A crime!" So what I did was
I pulled down my pants
Walked over to the observation table and
I put my hand on the
Observation table like this and by the
Way, part of me was like
"Whatever… you know? You ever have
Those days where you're like
"This might as well happen adult life
Is already so goddamn weird"

So I'm bent over like this on the table
And the doctor comes up behind me and
Says, "No, no, no, not on your
Hands, your elbows" And he knocks me
Down like that and this
Is so much worse than this I don't know why
I think it's 'cause this has a
Little remaining dignity to it
You know what I mean? This is sort of like
Go stick it in
I am an American this is
Like you're leaning over
The edge of a cruise ship
And you're like, "Ah
We're approaching Martinique!" He
Knocked me down to my elbows and then
He stuck his hand in and
You know how sometimes you're
Like, I bet I know what
Most things feel like
Ya know? You just think
You'll know? I did not know what
This was gonna feel like and
This was the actual sound I
Made, I went, "Ohm!" But, i didn't
Say it like, it came from my vocal cords
But it was totally involuntary it was as if
A ghost had been trapped in my belly
And finally flew out towards
The light and then, when he pulled his
Hand out, we had gotten to
Know each other pretty well
So I'll phrase this as delicately
As a can i did
Not realize that when the doctor
Pulls his hand out
It feels like your shitting because
The only thing to
Come out of your butt before has been shit

So he pulls his hand out and I thought I
Was shitting into his hand so I yelled
"I'm sorry!" This is a very routine procedure
By the way for most doctors and
So far he's had to deal with "Ohm!"
And "I'm sorry!" And he didn't
Even let me off the hook you know?
He wasn't like, "Oh, don't worry
You didn't shit into my hand" He just threw
His glove away and went
"Ahwahahwah" And I was about to ask
About Xanax but he was like
"Alright your prostate's fine
But we still need to do a blood
Test" So I pulled up my
Pants and shuffled away feeling different and
He yells out into the hall, he goes
"Hey! We're doing a blood test in here get in
Here!" and Batman dances back in and he's
Like, "Alright! We're gonna do a
Blood test! You look
Different, let's do it" The
Doctor left the room
So I'm alone with Batman i
Just need this blood
Test to be over but first I had to
Tell Batman something, I was
Like "Batman look, i'm one of
Those people who, when you
Take blood from me
Sometimes I can faint and I
Was in the waiting
Area for three hours and I haven't eaten
All day and I'm really worried I'm
Gonna faint" And Batman said to me
And I'll never forget it, "Pshh
You're not gonna faint!"
So i stick my arm out, Batman
Puts the needle in my arm
And I'm immediately on the ground i
Wake up and I am
Covered in sweat lying on the
Observation table i wake
Up, I open my eyes and I see Batman's
Face he's looking at me and he goes, "You
Gotta go!" and I go, "Can I please, talk
To the doctor thought for a sec
Because sometimes i get nervous
On airplanes" And Batman
Said, "The doctor's gone!" So I got my stuff
And I left the moral of the story is that if
You've been nervous your entire life
You should ask your
Doctor about Xanax because if you lie to him
He will stick his finger in your ass and
If you do suffer from frequent urination
Keep it to yourself i went to that clinic
Two years later for
A different checkup, and as I was leaving
Who do I run into but Batman
And he smiled at me and
He was wearing reading glasses to
Show that time had passed

Thanks very much for listening to me, my name
Is John Mulaney you were really fun
Thank you