John Mulaney - There's a Horse in the Hospital lyrics

I’ve never really cared about
Politics never talked
About ’em much but then, last November
The strangest thing happened now
I don’t know
If you’ve been following the news
But I’ve been keeping my ears open and
It seems like everyone
Everywhere is super mad about everything all
The time i try to stay a little
Optimistic, even though I will admit
Things are getting pretty sticky

Here’s how I try to look at it, and this
Is just me, this guy being the president
It’s like there’s a horse
Loose in a hospital it’s like
There’s a horse loose in
A hospital i think eventually everything’s
Going to be okay
But I have no idea what’s going
To happen next and neither do any of
You, and neither do your parents
Because there’s a horse loose in
The hospital it’s never happened
Before, no one knows what the horse
Is going to do next, least
Of all the horse he’s never
Been in a hospital before
He’s as confused as you are

There’s no experts they try to find
Experts on the news they’re like
"We’re joined now by a man that once saw a
Bird in the airport" Get out of here with
That shit! We’ve all seen a
Bird in the airport
This is a horse loose in a hospital

And then… then… then you go to
Brunch with people and they’re like
"There shouldn’t be a horse
In the hospital" And
It’s like, "We’re well past that"
Then, other people are like
"If there’s gonna be a horse in the hospital
I’m going to say the N-word on TV"
And those don’t match up at all

And then, for a second
It seemed like maybe we could survive the
Horse, and then, 5, 000 miles
Away, a hippo was like, "I have a nuclear
Bomb and I’m going to blow up the
Hospital!" And before we could say
Anything, the horse was like, "If you
Even fucking look at the hospital
I will stomp you to death
With my hooves i dare you to do
It i want you to do it
I want you to do it so I
Can stomp you with my hooves, i’m
So fucking crazy" "You think
You’re fucking crazy
I’m a fucking hippopotamus i live in
A fucking lake of mud i’m fucking crazy"
And all of us are like
"Okay" Like poor Andy Cohen at
Those goddamn reunions "Okay"
And then, for a second, we were like
"Maybe the horse-catcher
Will catch the horse" And then
The horse is like
"I have fired the horse-catcher" He can
Do that? That shouldn’t be allowed
No matter who the horse is i
Don’t remember that in Hamilton

Sometimes, if you make fun of the horse
People will get upset these are
The people that opened the
Door for the horse i don’t
Judge anyone but sometimes
I ask people i go, "Hey
How come you opened the door for the
Horse?" And they go, "Well, the hospital
Was inefficient!" Or sometimes they go
"If you’re so mad at the horse
How come you weren’t mad when the last
Guy did this three and a
Half years ago? You’re beating up on
The horse when the last guy
Essentially did the same thing five
Years ago" First off, get out of here with
Your facts you’re like the kid at the
Sleepover who, after midnight, is like
"It’s tomorrow now!" Get the fuck out of
Here with your technicalities just ’cause
You’re accurate does not
Mean you’re interesting
"That was fun when we
Watched Beetlejuice tonight" "Don’t you
Mean last night?
It’s after midnight" Why don’t you
Get your sleeping bag and get out
Of my house! Take your EpiPen
Take your goddamn EpiPen and get out of my
House! But when people say
"How come you were
Never mad at the last guy?" I say, "Because
I wasn’t paying attention" I used to pay less
Attention before it was a horse also
I thought the last guy was pretty smart
And he seemed good at his
Job, and I’m lazy by nature
I’m lazy by nature
Too so I don’t check up on people
When they seem okay at their job
You may think that’s an ignorant
Answer, but it’s not
It’s a great answer if you left your
Baby with your mother tonight
You’re not going to
Race home and check the nanny cam but
If you leave your baby with Gary Busey

And now there’s Nazis again when
I was a kid Nazis
Was just an analogy you would
Use to decimate your
Child during an argument at the
Dinner table now there’s
New Nazis i don’t care for these new Nazis
And you may quote me on that these new
Nazis, "Jews are the worst
Jews ruin everything, and Jews try
To take over your life" It’s
Like, "You know what
Motherfucker? My wife is Jewish
I know all that, how do you know all that?"