John Mulaney - Too Old To Be A Duckling lyrics

I temped at a little web company
On 25th Street in New York
City it was a small web
Company owned by this old
Man who was old, old
Old money New York his name was
Henry J finch IV like old
Old, old money like
His money was in molasses or something he
Owned this web company i have
No idea why he owned this web
Company i think he won
It in a rich man's game
Of dice and small binoculars
Or something mr finch wore linen suit's
He had suspenders, he had a bow
Tie, he had a hat, he had a
Cane with an ivory handle i’m giving
You more description than you need
'cause I need you to believe me
This was a real person
I knew in the 21st century mr finch was in
His 70s he had an assistant named
Mary she was in her 50s
She was Korean I don't know why he
Had an assistant he did not
Need one unless he needed someone to
Be like, "Remember, Mr finch, at five
O’clock, you need to keep looking like
A hard-boiled egg" One day
Mr finch came into the office it had been
Raining everything I'm about to say to you
Was said in front of me on that
Afternoon mr finch walked into the
Office, and he was wearing a raincoat
He was wearing a rain hat
And he had his cane and he walked
In and he said, and I'm quoting
"Ah! One feels like a duck
Splashing around in all
This wet! And when one feels like a duck
One is happy!" And then Mary yelled
"Ooh, ducklings!" To which Mr finch replied
"Too old to be a duckling quack
Quack" And
Then walked into his office i think about
That every goddamn day i mean, imagine
You're me you're a 22-year-old temp
And you're so hungover
And you just wanna die
Every day and then that happens in front
Of you, and I don't know
Gives you hope? And I did that a little fast
Let me break that conversation down for
You mr finch walked in
And he began a conversation the way
Anyone would "Ah!" "One feels
Like a duck splashing around in
All this wet!" The rain
"And when one feels like a
Duck, one is happy!" Now
That's debatable but rather than debate that
Point, Mary brought up a new, separate
But interesting
Point… which was, "Ducklings!" But Mr finch
Ever the realist about his own
Age and mortality… said, "Ah, too old to be
A duckling!" As if to say, "My
Duckling days are behind me mary
Don’t you see? I’m
A duck now and to prove it… Well
I'll say just about the
Most famous catchphrase
A duck has… ‘Quack, quack’" And I knew
Right at that moment, by the way
That it meant nothing to Mr
Finch, what he had said crazy people are like
That they have unlimited crazy currency like
If i had gone into his office a couple
Weeks later and been like, "Hey, Finch
You remember that
Time you were like, ‘Too old to be a
Duckling quack, quack'?" He would
Just be like
"Ah, perhaps I did quack! But such is life
For an old knickerbocker like me" Like
He'd say something else crazy