Saturday Night Live, John Mulaney, Pete Davidson, Chris Redd, Kate McKinnon - Airport Sushi lyrics

(Spoken)

Yeah, I'll get this Chobani yogurt with no
Spoon to eat it with, please

Yeah, and I'd like a bottle of water that
Will roll to the back
Of the plane as soon as we take off

Alright, a 15 dollar Dasani water
Extra plastic

And you know what? I will
Grab, uh, the sushi, too

I'm sorry?

This, uh, sushi, you know? The spicy tuna
Roll that's sitting in
The display case next to
The ham-and-cheese panini

You're s-sure you want to eat the sushi?

You're buying sushi at
LaGuardia Airport? Have
You lost your damn mind?

Well, I want a nice balance of carbs
And protein just sell me the sushi, man

Your wish is my command, ke-mo
Sah-bee oh, Phantom of LaGuardia
Why don't you tell this fine young man how
He'll feel after he eats our sushi?

In dreams it's haunting you
That fish you ate the expiration date
Is in 1-8 and still you're choosing it
As food for plane
The Phantom of the Bathroom is there
It smells insane

I am the sushi chef that made that roll
The fish inside of it crawled out a hole
Yet you're consuming it this great mistake
You'd honestly be so much better off
Eating a Wuhan snake

(Spoken)

Is he supposed to be a pigeon?

No, he's one of the geese
That took down Sully's plane

Miracle on the Hudson? More like
Massacre in the Sky

There's just a bird loose in the terminal?

Of course there is haven't you
Been to LaGuardia before?


I like to wait at LaGuardia
Lots of delays at LaGuardia
Too small for planes at LaGuardia

Watched a man die at LaGuardia

Baggage claim carousels clink, clank

Outlets are there for a cool prank

Ha ha! Loose wires hang from the ceiling

Gives you a skanky old feeling

I like to be at LaGuardia
It's hard to breathe at LaGuardia
We have Hep C at LaGuardia
Who can we blame for LaGuardia?

(Spoken)

I'll tell you who you can blame!

Auntie Orphan Annie?

When anything's bad, De Blasio
Throw your hands up and say, "De Blasio"
You'll feel shame
I know some of it was Mike Bloomberg
But it still feels like De Blasio
Is to blame

Why are there bike lanes on the tarmac?

But the taxis must stay three miles away

De Blasio, De Blasio the cops hate De Blasio
He'll keep Amazon away

(Spoken)

And look! Here comes the crying baby
About to board a transcontinental flight

Goo, ga goo goo, ga
I'll scream and cry, boy got a striper
In my diaper it's a stinky stool, boy!

(Spoken)

Just play it cool, unaccompanied baby
Real cool

If my parents are looking for
Me, which they're not
I'll be in the kids' playground that's
Also a pet relief area

Wow, they let a baby through security

Did someone say security?

Hello, Guy Who Travels in Pajamas

That's right! I dress so that TSA can
Have easy access to my body

So if you care to search me
I'll spread my legs real wide
I'll even bend over for you
You can take a peek inside

You can tell that I enjoy security
You can search way up in my cavity
You can pat me down
You don't have to use the front of your hands

(Spoken)

Okay, Jesus, we get it you can continue
On to Cleveland now

How did you know I was going to Cleveland?

That's where everyone at LaGuardia's going
Like it or not

Aaah!

Attention, we have a gate
Change for passengers going
To Cleveland your old gate was A7, your new
Gate is G46 it is
Physically impossible for you
To make it to that gate in time
And the plane will leave empty thank you!

Man, I told you we should
Have left out of JFK

And I guess I should have stayed home

Ah!

Oh, relax, I'm not sick i'm just a

Profiled Asian standing beside you
If I cough, then it's over
You'll get off the plane

Profiled Asian no, I wasn't in Parasite
I know the virus is bad, but
It's coming from Italy, too

(Spoken)

Man, this airport is it's own world

Yes, a third world

And if you stay here long enough, and
If you stay here long enough
You will learn the mysteries of LaGuardia

Why it's the baggage handler who tosses
Everyone's suitcase into Long Island Sound

That's right, and you should know that

We're on a plane to nowhere come on inside
They say it's about to take off
That is a lie sure, it will start to taxi
But then it comes back
We're on a road to our motel overnight
Where's my flight?